


We used to have it all

by dontmindme_imafangirl



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: (...or is it?), Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Established Relationship, Exes, Fluff and Angst, Hunk & Lance (Voltron) Friendship, Hurt Keith (Voltron), Hurt/Comfort, Insecure Lance (Voltron), Keith (Voltron) is Bad at Feelings, Keith/Lance (Voltron) Angst, Lance (Voltron) is a Mess, M/M, Mainly angst, Miscommunication, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining, Pansexual Lance (Voltron), Pining, Pining Keith (Voltron), Pining Lance (Voltron), Series, So much angst, Summer Romance, i was sad writing this tbh, klance, tag rant lol sorry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-13
Updated: 2017-05-03
Packaged: 2018-09-24 04:12:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 27,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9700316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dontmindme_imafangirl/pseuds/dontmindme_imafangirl
Summary: They had met before.It was when the sun was still bright and the air still dense and everything stilled as they first looked at each other, soaking in each others gaze.It was when they could intertwine their hands and walk across the seashore, sweet nothings falling from their lips and dripping softly into the ocean, to be carried and locked away for another day.It was before he left, his heart a heavy burden in his chest, the smile he loved long lost into the depths of the sea.It was before everything started and yet when everything ended.It's the beginning and end of Keith and Lance's relationship.(AU where Keith and Lance had met before in a small city in Spain, fell in love, only their relationship had a time limit they were both eager to ignore. Suffice to say, it wasn't a blissful reunion in the garrison, a year or so after what transpired.)





	1. Hello, Goodbye.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm back, and this time with a whole new Klance series, with a ton of angst that physically hurt to write~
> 
> That being said, this was originally supposed to be a small one shot inspired by the song 'We used to have it all' by Fais & Afrojack...then I truly loved the idea of Keith and Lance being past lovers that deeply hurt each other, and before I knew it it became a 10K+ series. 
> 
>  
> 
> I really truly hope you enjoy this series-I enjoy every minute of writing it and it'd bring me the greatest joy if you enjoy it too~
> 
> As always, kudos and comments are always very much appreciated. :)

_Kill me by giving me a grenade_   
_and telling me it’s your heart._

_I don’t want to know what your favourite colour is_  
but I do want to know what colour you bleed  
when you’re with me. 

_I had a dream I painted my body blue_  
and melted into the ocean  
that you swam through 

_I woke up crying,_  
tasted salt; and thought  
this is what it must feel like  
to be the sea 

_(The Grenade, Part I, The anatomy of being by Shinji Moon)_

 

 

*****

Keith was never a person fond of change. He’d be damned if he just switched his routine unless it concerned life-or-death situations.

So of course, when Shiro barged into his room, rumbling on and on about them taking a trip this summer, how he was travelling for a training seminar to this gorgeous city in Spain, and how he insisted Keith comes with him, the first thought that came to Keiths’ mind was nothing else than _hell no_.

Yet with one pout of his friends’ (could he even call him that? _Dad_ always seemed more befitting to Shiro than friend, not that he’d ever tell him that) lips, and a slight look of disappointment, he caved in with a sigh. It was just for two months anyway. He could last that long without his routine, couldn’t he?

Besides, he could always just build a temporary routine in this city or whatever.

At least, that was his plan. Originally.

 

Yet said plan never involved him grumpily walking down the beach, internally complaining about the long hours Shiro’s seminars were made up of, how _little_ there was to do in a city where he couldn’t speak the language, how the sun was burning his pale skin to nothingness.

He was making his way along the shore, letting the feeling of sand between his toes take over the loudness in his head, when he stopped.

The rumbling in his brain halted the moment his eyes locked upon him.

The first thing he noticed was his laugh. Loud, deep, heartfelt noise, the splitting of his lips, slight pink dusting a freckled face, sea water tricking from his face and neck, eyes shut, only to then be opened and have Keith meet the deepest blue he’d ever seen.

He was staring. He must’ve been staring, because the boy turned to look at him with that very same pair of eyes he was just admiring, and he could’ve sworn his jaw dropped when said boy raised an eyebrow at him, a sly smirk plastered on his face.

By the time he managed to compose himself again (or so he thought, hoped he did), the boy was already making his way to him, leaving behind a group of friends who all seemed unfazed by their friends’ sudden departure.

He halted in front of him, making him gulp before looking up at the blue he was lost in not so long ago.

“Hey there.”

“Ah-uh…hi?”

_Nice going Keith_ he mentally slapped himself, _Are you seriously intimidated by a kinda-very-very attractive guy now?_

To his surprise, the boy laughed, small and quiet, in contrast to the bright loud laughter Keith noticed before.

“You seem surprised?” he grinned, bringing a hand to rest on his hips, making Keith put mental pressure on himself to not look down at the shirtless boy, at the beads of water still trickling from his hair and down to his chest.

“Sort of. Uh, you’re pretty much the first person I heard speak English in here.”

That only elected another small huff of laughter from him, making Keith wonder wether he said something weird or not, suddenly conscious of how… _horrendous_ his social interaction skills were.

“So you’re not from around here, I take it?”

Keith nodded, quietly wondering where this conversation was headed.

“Ha! Called it!” he squealed, turning to his friends and shouting something back at them in Spanish, the words completely lost on Keith.

“See, my friends over there were wondering who you might be. We don’t get a lot of new people or tourists in this area, so my best guess was you’re a random spy hiding out here until your next mission. Care to play along with it and screw with them for a minute?” he said as he threw an arm around Keith’s shoulders, leaning in to whisper into his ear, as if his friends would hear him from such a distance.

“I-uh-sure?”  
The skin on skin contact made him wonder wether the heat he felt was from the sun or from the feel of the boy’s weight on him.

The boy all but beamed at his reply, letting go of him to stand across him once again, eyes bright and gleaming and easily comparable to the blue of the sea he was standing right next to.

“Excellent! I owe you one, big time! Ah, I’m Lance by the way.” he cheered, extending a hand to Keith, who reluctantly grabbed and shook it, small smile playing on his own lips.

“I’m Keith. Nice to meet you, Lance.”

 

******

Falling into a rhythm with Lance took no effort at all.   
By the end of the first day they met, they were already friends, despite Keiths' awkwardness and Lance’s self-indulgence.

By the second day Lance’s hand found its way into Keith’s own, letting the local boy drag him around, giving him a tour of the city, from big attractions he knew were tourist hot spots, to just Lance’s favourite stops and places. Keith enjoyed all of them, but even more so enjoyed the feel of warm tan fingers intertwining with his own.

By the third day, Keith had learnt all about Lance’s family, about his extensive love for his younger siblings, about his group of friends, about the ups and downs of living in a small city. He felt a pang of guilt when he avoided answering Lance’s questions about his own family, but the boy didn’t seem to mind, merely smiled at him and let him take his time, sharing only what he felt able to and being rewarded for that with small smiles and soft eyes.

By the end of that week, they were comfortable enough with each other to be able to meet at the beach every afternoon and just talk about anything and everything, sometimes even just enjoying the silent company of each other, their shoulders bumping together as they sat by the seaside, making Keith unsure wether the crisp ocean scent in the air was coming from their surroundings or from the blue eyed boy beside him.

By the near end of the month, Keith snuck out in the early morning after a sleepless night thinking about vast oceans and freckled skin, hoping the tranquility the waves had to offer this late at night would provide him some comfort. 

He never expected to meet the very cause of his restless sleep there, knee-deep in the water, his face contoured in thought, eyes shut and arms extended, as if he was slowly becoming one with the sea foam. Keith wanted nothing more than to go up to him, pull him close and never let him go, even if the sea was calling to him.

Yet he didn’t have to. The moment Lance noticed him he made his way to him, small shy smile playing on his lips, so uncommon of the loud, sparkling Lance Keith was used to, and yet so befitting at the same time, the early rays of sun kissing his body and colouring his lips a light pink Keith wanted, _needed_ to taste. 

And so he did.   
He never expected Lance would kiss him back, with just as much ferocity, if not more, bringing each other close, both of them ending up stumbling and falling into the water, letting the kiss get lost between the salty taste and huffs of laughter, close enough to not know whose breath is which.

Then there was that pain, that guilt in the pit of his stomach. That small voice insisting how he’ll screw this up, screw it up like he did with every other thing in his life, how if he kisses that smile once more it may end up disappearing forever.

He hushed that thought in favour of tracing the contours of the face he held between his palms, refusing to acknowledge the truth behind the venom in his mind.

 

******  
By the end of the second month, Keith knew he had to end it.   
They felt like they had an eternity of their own in-between their intertwined fingers, as if time willed itself to a halt to accommodate the emotions reeking out of both their lips.

Yet the reality was there, gnawing at the back of his eyes.  
Keith was going back, he was going to try and enter the Garisson, fight to become the greatest pilot he could; it was the least he could do to repay Shiro for always taking care of him.

This was his plan all along; this was his routine. And if it was one thing Keith stuck to, it was routine.

Yet he couldn’t bear the thought of seeing the blue he’s come to love clouded, hazy with salt-laced tears, nor see the smile he adored, the smile he even managed to help create sometimes, wiped off of Lance’s lips, replaced with a quivering so uncharacteristic of the boy that’s as bright as the sun himself.

So Keith did was he was best at doing. He left without warning and without goodbye, letting the last image of Lance, sweet smiling Lance, bright-eyed and laughing and focused solely on him-he let that picture be the last he remembered of the boy, hoping it was the best decision for both of them.

*****

“For the millionth time Hunk, no, it’s _not_ because of _that_. I’m not that petty, and honestly? I am offended you think so lowly of me.”

Hunk would’ve taken insult if he didn’t know any better. However he did, he knew far better than to take what a defensive Lance hurls at him seriously, knowing that his best friend of over a decade now had walls so high it took years and years of trust to break them down.

The only one, the sole person ever able to pierce through this walls in no-time other than Hunk was…

“Look man, I know it’s something you enjoy, and we did plan on it since we were kids. But you didn’t mention it at all until after-“

“Just because I didn’t mention it doesn’t mean I wasn’t thinking about it. It’s not an unthought-of decision. I made the cut, you made the cut, and that’s that.”

Lance turned his back to his best friend, carrying on with his packing of bags and rummaging through his closet, skinny feet keeping him in place whilst his torso was hidden between piles of hanging clothes.

“Okay, but what if he’s there? Which is more likely than you think, by the way. He’s the same age as us, no?” he asked, noticing the tensing of his friend’s back.

“For fucks sake, Hunk, we’re _leaving tomorrow_. We’ve been through this conversation all summer. How many times must we repeat it?!” he sighed, turning to Hunk to throw a pile of clothes his way.

“I just want to know you’re okay and that this is what you really want to do.”

Lance sighed, unable to even try and get angry at his best friend and his big worried heart.

“Look, what happened did shake me up real bad. But I now know that guy was a _dick_ and a big one at that. I’m joining the Garrison for myself, and because that’s what we wanted ever since we were kids. So don’t make that face alright?” he said, lightly punching Hunk’s shoulder, offering him a small smile that he returned right back. “I’m fine. Well I mean, I’m _always_ fine, like, have you _seen_ my face lately?”

 

His little show of wiggling hips and striking a pose was ended with a sweater thrown to his face.

“Mios Dio Lance, what am I going to do with you?” Hunk laughed, shaking his head.

“Help me pack, preferably.” he grinned, letting his head fall back as he laughed at his friends’ expression.

He was _fine._

Lance was fine, would be fine, it has been over a year now, it didn’t affect him anymore.  
And if he felt the taste of salty water on his cheeks and lips that night, it was merely because he was tired, nothing more and nothing less.


	2. Closure never felt so foreign.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reunions tend to be bittersweet.  
> This on felt far mote bitter than sweet, the sour taste rolling in his mouth like razor blades, cutting his tongue on words unspoken, pooling out regret laced with copper, drenched in silenced 'Whys' and questions left unspoken in the back of his throat.
> 
> Reunions tend to be bittersweet.  
> This one was just downright painful.

****

He still remembers that summer. 

He remembers the heat, the merciless beating of the sun on their bodies, the dense air of the night; he remembers how the smell of salt and dust mixed and danced around him, drowning all his senses in their comfort.

He remembers the late nights at the beach, how they’d watch the sun lazily make its way up, reluctantly so, not daring to disturb the two bodies laying in the sand, hands clasped together, always touching each other one way or another, as if it physically hurt to be away.

He remembers it all, of course he does.  
And most of all, he remembers _him_.

***  
He was there.

Lance would recognise those dark orbs and soft movements anywhere.

Sure, his hair was longer, and his body was more built and perhaps he was also taller than he remembered, but there was no way he would confuse his figure with anyone else.

That man was Keith, the same Keith he met back then, the same Keith that held his hand and smiled, a soft tune of joy on his lips.

Yet, that expression Lance was so accustomed too was long gone, replaced with a stone-cold look that felt foreign, alien in contrast to the gentle gaze he had come to know.

Then again, Lance wasn’t even sure how well he even _knew_ the other boy after all, once he remembered the day he left him and recalled the feeling of his heart shattering into millions of pieces (Which he’s certain he’ll never find again, not all of them, not ever).

He run away before Keith could notice him, before the dark grey mixed with a shade of violet engulfed him whole and resurfaced all that he had managed to bury under layers of thick skin and fake huffs of laughter.

Lance’s character had always been that of the comic relief, and if that had changed when Keith was there…well, it was about time it got put back in place.

So when Hunk noticed his pale clammy skin, when he put a hand over his shoulder, Lance shook his head and laughed, first small smiling puffs and then loud, obnoxious laughter. He turned on his feet and left before Keith turned to look at what the commotion was about, excusing himself to go look at the boards and check wether he and Hunk were in the same class, a constant smirk playing over his lips.

Yes. This is what Lance knew to do best. He was the one people went to when they needed a laugh, a pat on the back and a heartfelt smile. He was by no means the person you’d see crying, loud and ugly cries, streaked cheeks and quivering lips.  
And he’d be damned before he showed anyone otherwise.

*****

Avoiding Keith was easy. At first.

For better or for worse, they weren’t in the same class, so avoiding him on a day-to-day basis came easy.  
If you asked Lance wether he took notice of every dark-haired pale person that walked past him, mouth slack and eyes wide, he’d completely deny it ever happening.

If he ever felt Hunk’s ever-so-worried gaze on him, he’d ignore that too, countering the sympathy in his best friend’s eyes with a grin that never did quite reach his eyes, no matter how hard he tried to be present in the moment.

He was bottling everything up, he knew he did, and it hurt, his chest feeling heavier by the day.

However, Lance had already accepted it. The boy he knew, the pair of arms he’d come to love, the sweet nothings they shared late at night when the sea water froze the tips of their toes, hands clasped and shoulders bumping on each other, all of that was long gone, if they had ever existed at all. He highly doubted they did, when he noticed the permanent scowl on Keith’s face, or the glare he gave to anyone that ever so much as approached him.  
So yes, ignoring Keith was easy. It seemed like the pale boy did the same with everyone else around him either way.

Yet not even two months after joining the Garrison, their first common drill arrived.  
It wasn’t anything serious, just a practice shared with all of the individual classes about proper evacuation procedures in case of an emergency.

Lance all but sighed at the topic, a yawn clumsily escaping his lips, earning him a hearty glare from his professor. 

The next yawn got gulped down his throat when he took notice of _him_ entering the classroom hall, eyes fixated to the floor, yet with an arched back, chin held high. 

He felt the stare Hunk and his other friends gave him, when a small groan left his mouth, also earning the notice of the man himself-Keith turned to him, eyebrows furrowed at the noise, but immediately softened once he looked at him, his eyes widening and lips slowly forming his name.

It seems Keith noticed his own shock and stopped midway, not letting himself utter the name he used to call so often that long gone summer.

Lance _knew_ he was also staring, standing in such a close proximity with him that he hadn’t had ever since their shared summer, close enough that if he reached his arms out he could wrap them around the slightly shorter man, feel the warmth he was craving to sense once again.

Thankfully enough, the teacher startled them both before Lance’s instincts could take over, barking orders to the young cadets to settle into positions and quiet down.

As if snapping out of a trance, Keith shook his head and left, not before throwing one puzzling look Lance’s way, and leaving to stand only a few feet away from him, expression still settled into something between a scowl and dumbfounded shock.

Lance could only wish his face wasn’t mirroring that exact same expression, that his hands were absolutely _not_ balled into fists by his sides, back arched and shivering at the feelings that were all but begging to rip through his ribcage and puncture his heart.

Yet Lance was nothing if not an actor, so he shook it off soon enough, settling for throwing a look so dirty at Keith’s way, that even his friends raised a questioning eyebrow at it.

‘Dude’, he heard one of the cadets standing next to him whisper, ‘what the hell _was_ that? You just had a freaking staring match with _Keith_ of all people! _The_ Keith!’

He gritted his teeth, eyes still focused on the general in front of them, still yapping instructions before their drill began.

“ _The_ Keith? Please. That guy’s nothing but small fry.”

That seemed to rouse attention, seeing how even more eyes turned to him, quiet whispers going back and forth around him.

“Dude, you can’t call _that_ small fry. He ranked top at the entrance exams, and flies like nothing I’ve ever seen. If it weren’t for his attitude-“

“Exactly” Lance yelled, his voice barely above a whisper, but loud enough for both the cadet and the surrounding people to hear, “That pompous better-than-thou attitude is all that guy has. Honestly, I don’t get why you guys are all but _worshipping_ someone like that.”  
He felt an urging guilt settle in the pit of his stomach, but promptly decided to ignore it.  
If it could take his mind away from the throbbing behind his eyes, then it was good enough for him.

“Lance, I know you're also really good, but come on, it’s _Keith_. The guy’s good.”

Something snapped inside his ribcage, and she turned, his nails drawing blood from the strength they applied on his palms.

“Good? You really think that messed-up _dick_ is good?!” he knew his voice was getting louder, but he couldn’t control himself by now, eyes already glistening with unshed hurt. “He seems like a good-for-nothing, grade-A _asshole_ if you ask me, and I bet I could beat him _any day_ "

He knew he yelled the last part, drawing even the general’s attention, the heaviness in his stomach almost unbearable now.

He dared to turn and look at Keith, and regretted the moment he did. The boy was looking at him with wide eyes, the innocence he was so accustomed to looking at back then evident once again on his face, lips slack and brows furrowed, a pain so inexplicable on his face that it made Lance want nothing more than barge there and kiss it better, or leave the room altogether, leave everything behind and just drown himself in the endless sand surrounding the faculty, maybe scream his dying words into it, in case it’d take some of the guilt away.

But instead he turned to face the front, selfishly gulping down a breath of air, as if it’d do anything for the burning in his chest. He threw an apologetic nod at the General’s direction, who glared at him and carried on yelling instructions at the young cadets, reminding once again how insignificant he was in the vast number of aspiring pilots and mechanics around him.

He was nothing, and he truly quite enjoyed being nothing.   
Maybe that’s all he was to the boy with the violet-coloured heart too. 

Just a big fat nothing, a small insignificant dot on a piece of paper.  
He found it quite befitting.

*********

Keith dropped out sometime after that.

Lance had kept going with the rivalry act, his last act of defence. Everybody knew him as ‘That guy that hates Keith’ now, giving them little room to question why his expression grimaced into one of pain every time he saw him walk by, or his name was mentioned in passing conversation, or why he’d look away any time he got into a fighting aircraft, memories of Keith talking about aircrafts with bright eyes and flushed cheeks taking over his mind each time.

No one knew that Hunk had to cradle his best friend in his arms that same night he professed his hatred, body too weak to carry himself with grace, his whole brain going into a completely catatonic state.

No one knew how he shivered at the guilt that ran through his veins every time someone called him out on his ‘intense hate for Keith Kogane’, or how he was developing dark circles that no matter how many beauty regimes he’d practice, they’d defiantly cling to his face, a constant reminder that he was not even near _over it_.

Yet none of it mattered, not when only a month or so before their deployment into cargo or fighter pilots, Keith, the greatest pilot of their year, closely followed in scores only by Lance, quit, suddenly vanishing over night.  
Many rumours spread, but a concrete reason was never found.

One theory stated that he punched the Chief in Command after a heated argument. Another said that he decided he was too good for this training, and immediately became a fighter pilot before graduation. More far-fetched theories stated he was in fact an alien spy, here to infiltrate Earth’s command bases to send word for an alien invasion. Some even linked said theory to the vanishing of the crew of Kerberos, and the mission-gone wrong.

If you asked Lance, he was more supportive of the theory that Keith Kogane never even existed. That he was but a figment of everyone’s imagination.

That did little to help with the heaviness in his chest, nor the laboured breaths he took whenever he woke up in the middle of the night.

He was called to the Chief in Command’s office soon after Keith’s mysterious departure. The Chief congratulated him, telling him how he’d be promoted from cargo to fighter pilot, since his scores were merely second to Keith’s.

Hearing his name come from a person he barely knew felt foreign, almost like they were speaking about a deceased man. 

Lance thought he might as well be. There was no evidence of his existence left, other than the words spreading from one mouth to another.

So by now, Lance had what he wanted. He was a fighter pilot; after checking the boards a few months after their graduation, he found out Hunk, his childhood friend Hunk, the same boy they played pretend with, acting out flight simulations, was his mechanic, that they’d be working closely together from now on. And Keith, Keith was gone from his life once again, gone for good, without a trace of ever existing in the first place.

He had everything he planned for. So why, why was he feeling so empty?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let the angst commence :^))
> 
> I was listening to this while writing/editing: https://play.spotify.com/user/sophiee_babushka/playlist/18Y48nzCR0AI6vhruVoVKk
> 
> And specifically to A Million Reasons by Lady Gaga her voice is a blessing i swear hh
> 
> As always, feel free to contact me on my tumblr: dontmindme-imafangirl.tumblr.com or here, and per usual, kudos and comments are very much appreciated! <3


	3. Weight of the situation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keith's long gone from Lance's life.  
> He's moved on to becoming a fighter pilot, he's working hard and pretending the soft violet boy never existed becomes easier by the day.
> 
> That is, until the night they meet again under...awkward conditions, to say the least.

****

It couldn’t be.

This wasn’t a person he was meant to see again, in this context, _here_.  
He was at a loss of words, jaw slack, arms occupied with holding the weight of Shiro, still unconscious, unable to help him out in this situation.  
Keith _knew_ it was him. Time did nothing to dull the blue he’d grown so accustomed to, despite barely seeing it during his time at the garrison, despite the hurt and anger clouding it (and the pang in his chest that pointed up to him and hissed _you caused this_ ).

He knew Lance recognised him too, feeling a sharp twist of pain when the tan boy refused to utter a word to him, only turning back to yell something at the two others that were with him, before running to his side, grabbing a hold of Shiro’s other arm and ushering them out of the containment room before anybody could find them.

_He’s here. He’s really here…but why?_

*****  
In the face of the situation they were in-trying to avoid enemy fire while carrying an unconscious man and four too many people for a two-sitting jet, Keith knew it wasn’t the time to push Lance for answers, wasn’t the time to take a breath into his burnt lungs and ask what his deal was, how he could suddenly see him as a rival, why he never got up and just _asked_ Keith why he left, or just downright punch him in the face for what he did, for the grief he caused. _You deserve that,_ that small annoying voice shrieked into his mind, and he ushered it away in favour of manoeuvring his jet away from all the ruckus and back into the shambles of what he truly tried to call home (albeit to no avail; no place was home without the scent of sea breeze and the warmth of that embrace).

He knew the man sitting behind him was all but throwing daggers to his back with just a gaze.  
He could’ve sworn he felt the blood seep through the fabric of his shirt.

 _You need to fix this_ , the small rational part of him would breathe out, but he’d just shake his head at it and sigh.

_There’s nothing to be fixed._  
_There’s nothing I can fix._

 

*****

Lance could feel his heart race against his ribcage, threatening to pop out of his chest at any second. He knew it wasn’t due of the adrenaline running through his blood.

They were already back at Keith’s hideout (or so he assumed it to be), trying to make sense of the situation, and of the dread hanging dense in the air.

He knew Keith wanted to say something, he could see it in the way he stole glances at him, his expression unreadable.

 _Probably wants to kick me out right now_ he thought.

Hunk seemed to realise his best friend’s thoughts, turning to him with furrowed eyebrows. Lance knew he had to play his cheerful act perfectly, if not for himself, then for the friend that was worrying about him, that knew the pain he had gone through this past two years.

_I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine._

“Lance.” he heard that voice and it hurt, the way it found itself under his ribcage, stirring up feelings that shouldn’t be felt.

_I’m fine. Fine. Fine-fine fine-_

“Lance.”

He glared at him, ignoring the fluttering in his chest, and Keith seemed to get the memo, turning to Pidge instead when they asked him what exactly their plan now was.

He would be fine. He’d see to it that the man they rescued-Shiro, the hero of his childhood, was safe and sound, then go, and let the whole day become a faint memory, just like that bright summer was, just like those days in the Garrison eventually became.

It was all faint memories when it came to Keith anyway, never quite certain if they ever existed in the first place.

Hell, he wasn't certain that this whole… _ordeal_ was real in the first place.  
Keith, the legend of the Garrison, dropping out to hide out in the middle of the desert, looking for clues for something he wasn’t sure of? Living in complete solitude, having his sole mission be to connect the dots in his play-pretend puzzle, all the while looking for Shiro, who was-what, his friend? Brother?

 

…Lover, maybe?

Lance shook his head at that, promptly ignoring whatever Keith was explaining to the others.

He didn’t care what Shiro was to Keith. He didn’t care about Keith at all, and he by _no means_ felt that slight relief in his gut when he found out that Keith was still alive and very much real, albeit a bit loose in the head, following ‘a hunch’ into the desert and whatnot.

He did _not_ twitch under the small glances the boy sent his way, dark eyes following his every move, and he by no means wanted to grab hold of that red jacket and bury himself in it.

If anything, he’d much rather leave this place straight away, preferably scream his feelings to the void.

Yet, per usual, fate had very different plans for him. 

*****  
After Shiro had come to his senses and explained the whole situation as well as he could to them, Lance knew they were already in too deep to just up and leave now. 

He only spared one glance Keith’s way, and found the boy so immensely drawn into Shiro’s talk, that he couldn’t help the small twist of pain that gripped him.

That was the same look he used to give to him whenever they shared deep conversations in the middle of the night, the only martyr to their events being the open ocean blue.

But that was fine. Lance was _fine._ They’d help Shiro out, following whatever clues it was that Hunk and Keith had put together, get this over with and go. 

That’s all it would be, and nothing more, he reassured himself, ignoring the worried looks and questioning glances Hunk and Pidge threw his way.

 

******

Okay. This was _not_ , under any circumstances, part of his plan.

Sentient robotic lions? Paladins? A 10,000 year old princess waking up, telling them they now had an obligation to protect the universe?

And to add insult to injury-he had to stay in the same proximity as _him_?! He noticed Keith steal a glance his way during the princess’s- _Princess Allura’s_ explanation of their duties, and huffed, turning his head back to look at her, giving her a flirtatious smile and his worst pick-up lines at any chance he got.

This was how things should be. Him laughing, cheering, appreciating attractive people like Allura, people that were _not_ Keith, beautiful Keith with his fucking gorgeous eyes and arms and lips and-

He shook his head, letting the expression of pain on his face ease into a smiling facade.

So he had to become a Paladin or whatever pilot thing, in a planet he didn’t know, with people he barely knew (Save for Hunk of course, bless this universe for at least giving him this much comfort in this forsaken situation), with the one person he’d ever fell in lo- 

_No_ , he mentally corrected himself, _We don’t use that word. Not anymore._

So yes, this situation was complete and utter…shit. But then again, Lance was used to shitty situations. He’d pull through, like he did every time. He’d be fine.

_He was fine._

******

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there~  
> I wanted to upload this yesterday but I spent the day with my sister going to some events at her university and yeah, by the time I got home I was dead to the world, plus, I could never post this without @ibreatheStucky 's seal of approval (check out her ao3 account for some perfect Stucky content~), so there's that~ sorry that it's a fairly short one too TuT
> 
> I know I'm skimming over a lot of the events happening in this part, but I'm doing so because they're so very close to the canon version of this scenes that I thought it'd be repetitive of me to fully describe the scene with Shiro/the shack e.t.c. I hope that's alright!
> 
> As always, kudos/comments are very much appreciated <3 
> 
> If you'd like to contact me/send a prompt/squeal in joy whilst doing a backflip, my tumblr's dontmindme-imafangirl.tumblr.com :)


	4. Late night shadows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's only so much a person can withstand, how much they can bottle up until they overflow with unshed horrors, unspoken pains and aches.
> 
> Keith's tipping point may've just been reached.

******

Keith tried. He tried talking to Lance, tried to approach him during training sessions or between the short breaks Allura allowed them, but it only ended with petty arguments, insults hurled at each other’s way, never finding their way into a proper conversation. He felt a pang in his chest every time he saw the rejection rolling off in waves from the brunet, taken aback every time by how the same deep blue he could once get lost in, the same lips he loved to paint smiles upon, suddenly looked at him with an expression he could only translate as pure hatred.

He realised it was only to be expected. Lance hating him, what he _did_ -he had every right to.

Yet what happened back in the Garrison…the bitter words he huffed about him, the blatant banter that developed between them without Keith even asking… _that_ he could not get used to. How could he ever feel even the slightest bit of rivalry towards the only person he’d ever come to love?

 

…He tried to approach him once, during their time at the Garrison. 

It was the day when their alleged ‘rivalry’ started, and after an afternoon of muddled thoughts running through his head faster than he could comprehend, he had enough, rushing out of his dorm and onto the hall any person directed him to as Lance’s dorm.

When he reached what he assumed was Lance’s room (if the glittery blue star by the door’s number wasn’t enough confirmation), he sighed, mentally preparing himself to knock on the door.   
Yet a strong thud on his chest stopped him right in his tracks, an imposing force pushing him onto the opposite wall and away form the room.

“What are you _doing?_ ”

Though muddled at first, he recognised that voice. He looked up, and sure enough, there was Hunk, his usual soft eyes replaced with a questioning look, his brows scrunched and one arm over Keith’s chest, promptly pushing him away from the door.

“I was-I wanted to-“

The glare he received from Hunk, the boy with a heart too big for his body, only assured him further that a _lot_ had changed in the year since he had last seen him and Lance.

“Wanted to _what_ , Keith? Rub insult to the injury?”

Keith felt his eyes widen, arms frantically shaking him away from the bigger boy.

“What? No! No, I just-“

He saw the slight softening of Hunk’s expression, before he sighed, removing his arm from Keith’s chest.

“Look man, I know Lance was kind of a bitch today, but you calling him out on it won’t do much. Just…let it go, okay?”

The look Hunk gave him stated that there was no space for him to disagree.

“I wasn’t here to call him out on it…I just wanted to talk, _do_ something about-“

“You’ve already done enough.”

Keith would’ve never thought that Hunk could ever glare at anyone. Yet here he was, on a receiving end of a gaze that left no room for conversation.

So he did what he always assumed he did best-he left, back slumped further than before, painfully reminding him of that day he couldn’t will himself to forget; to forgive.

He wondered if he’d ever deserved the boy’s love in the first place.

*****

Shiro still remembered when he first met Lance. Or rather, how he met Lance but Lance didn’t meet him.

He had just come back from another tiring (though interesting) seminar, long talks seeming longer when the beach was staring at him right through the windows, the breeze flowing in the lecture halls laced with salty sea-water and an uncharacteristic warmth.

Originally, his plan was to make a quick pit-stop at the apartment he and Keith called home, tug a most definitely begrudging Keith down with him and head to the beach, or maybe walk around town, finally visit that big church with the blue dome he had heard about from the locals he’d asked.

In all honesty, he felt quite bad for dragging Keith all the way to another country, only to have such little free time to spend with him and it hurt him to see his younger friend so distant, his awkward side not letting him get close to the other kids his age Shiro saw hanging out by the beach or strolling around town.

Yet lately he felt a sort of…change, happen to his grumpy roommate. He couldn’t quite pin-point it, but it was as if a boulder was lifted off of Keith’s shoulders, he was standing straighter, taller, his eyes seemed to gleam with a newly found spark.

He laughed more, that Shiro was most certain of. They would be having dinner and Keith would giggle under his breath, small huffed smiles and quick toothy grins exchanged between them, and it warmed his chest to see an expression so befitting of a kid his age finally grace his face, and he thanked every deity he could name for the gleeful change of his friend’s demeanour. 

Neither of them had had it easy, and he knew better than anyone how much they both deserved more reasons to smile, more reasons to just stand back and enjoy life.  
That was actually the reason he insisted Keith come with him on this trip. He knew the change of pace would do both of them good, Keith more so than him.

With a small sigh, he fished his apartment keys out of his pocket, shrugging the shoulder bag he was carrying off of his shoulders the moment he set foot in it.

The clink of what sounded like glass came from the kitchen, making that his first stop.

Sure enough, Keith was there, humming a soft tune with a glass in one hand and a box of juice in the other.

“Hey, I’m back. What’you got there?” he grinned, eyeing the juice in his friends hands-he knew for a fact that Keith despised juices with a passion, complaining how they either felt too sweet or too sour whenever Shiro tried to ease him into trying any.

Then he took notice of it. One glass was in Keith’s hand, but a second one was sitting on the kitchen counter, a can of a local soda they both liked sitting by it.

“Oh? Do we have visitors?”  
He tried not to sound too eager, but his voice betrayed him, promptly followed by a raised eyebrow and small smirk. How could he help himself? Keith, _the_ Keith, king of isolation, having people over and _socialising_ with them? It was beyond Shiro’s expectations, and he couldn't help but feel a small sense of accomplishment at that.

“W-Wh-visitors?! What visitors?”

_Oh?_

Keith was all but frantic, flapping his arms around, the opened juice box threatening to spill with the angry swishes. 

_Oh-ho._

“So it’s just you here?”

“Yeah! Obviously? God Shiro, who else were you expecting?”  
He grinned, and it took everything in Shiro’s power to camouflage his puffs of laughter into a cough hidden behind his fist.

If this was a cartoon show, he would expect those over-exaggerated beads of sweat to roll over the boy’s face, or his eyes to suddenly dissolve into little swirls of stress.

“Ah, alright then. I guess those two glasses and that juice you hate made me think someone else might be here, you know?”

Keith, ever-so fast when it came to thinking up things on the spot, shrugged, awkward grin still on his face.

“What-oh, _these_ things?” he huffed, pointing to the glasses with a nod of his head, “I was just…getting a drink for you! I figured you’d be home soon so..” he extended a hand to Shiro, offering him the still empty glass, before realising his mistake and pouring in juice with shaky fingers.

“There you go! It’s crazy hot isn’t it? Better drink up! Don’t want your newly-promoted ass to die of dehydration right?” 

The thing about Keith, a fact that came with all the years Shiro’s known him, is that though moody and secretive, he is a _terrible_ liar. 

“Well thanks Keith. I’m just wondering though, how did you know I’d be coming home?” 

He sipped the drink whilst waiting for the confusion to come and go from his friends’ face.  
When he realised that the confusion was here to stay, he nodded to the clock hanging beside him.

“I wasn’t supposed to come back for another two hours. A seminar just got cancelled so I came back to ask if you wanted to go to the beach.”

This time around he couldn’t help but laugh at Keith’s lost expression.

“I-a-oh!! Is it really-I swear I thought it was two o’clock!! Do you think I got a heatstroke? I told you I’m too pale for this shit Shiro!!”

He was about to answer, ask him why he felt the need for all this secretiveness, when Keith turned promptly on his feet, scuffling as far away from Shiro as he could.

“Anyway! Instead of nagging, how about you let me go grab a swimsuit and we head out alright? We can go to that beach close by that you wanted to surf at yeah? Just-gimme a minute, sit tight and I’ll head out in a sec?”

Without waiting for an answer Keith all but run to his room, shutting the half opened door with a loud smack.

Shiro could write a thesis on what gave it away that Keith was lying.  
He decided the main argument could be the fact that he would have never, ever, ever agree to go swimming when the sun was still out under any other, rational circumstances.

However, seeing what a good friend Shiro prided himself to be, he let that dream thesis go, in the same way that he pretended to not hear the hushed voices from the shut door of his friend’s room.

He couldn’t help it though, when he heard a loud thud outside the apartment.  
Quietly, he leaned close to one of the kitchen windows, half-hiding himself while peeking out, stilling his laugh when a tanned boy made haste right outside Keith’s window, a shirt in his hands and his torso bare, running for his life away from the apartment.

Shiro was a good friend.  
He was just glad Keith seemed to be having more fun in Spain than he did.

******

A lot of things cleared up in his head the minute he took notice of their interactions.

One look at Keith, at the way he looked at Lance, the way he talked to him, the way he bit his tongue and held back, one look and Shiro knew-

There was a story there, one neither boy wanted to acknowledge.  
It held both of them in a chokehold, it gripped their necks so tight it left bruises along with words unspoken, words they both direly needed to let out before they nestled so deep in them they rotted their entrails, the same way his own unspoken horrors did in him.

He was no fool-of course he realised that the tan lanky boy was the same one he saw that day outside Keith’s window those years ago, realised it from the very first moment he saw them both back in Keith’s shack. Who else would’ve been able to put that expression on Keith’s face other than him anyway? 

It was the exact same face he remembered Keith had the day they left the apartment, when he looked back one last time to see the emptied out place they had resided in for those two months. Shiro put an arm on his shoulder at that, asking him if everything’s alright, but Keith just shook his head, brought a sleeve up to wipe tears unshed and left, remaining more solemn and quiet than ever before, as if grieving a loss of those summer days, as if the heat burnt down the one he loved.

He felt a certain pang of sadness in his chest at the thought of it all. Why didn’t Keith tell him anything? Was his faith in him really that little? Of course he knew how secretive, how passive the boy was but he still wished he could be a person he could confide to…

In truth, he wanted to talk to Keith about it, let him know that if something was troubling him Shiro would always be there to lend an ear, let him vent or offer advice if asked. Yet with the situation being as it is-suddenly finding themselves being defenders of the entire known _universe_ , being so far away from home and trying to get used to it all-add his foggy memory and sudden flashbacks into the mix and it’d be no wonder he hadn’t found the right time to confront Keith.

It was on a night when, after long patrols and pitiful amounts of sleep, he made his way into the control room, to find Keith perched on one of the seats, knees bent and chin propped up on them, face hidden and shoulders shaking with soft sobs. 

It painfully reminded Shiro how _young_ his friend was, how much he had gone through despite his age, how much they had all gone through, yet most of all Keith, the boy who thought he had no one else to confide in but himself. 

Gently, he made his way and sat in front of him, wiping the tears from his eyes with the back of his hand with a soft concerned smile, not saying a word yet imploring the younger boy to tell him what’s wrong. 

He didn’t flinch when Keith’s eyes teared up further, when his bottom lip quivered and he flashed his teeth in a broken sob, bringing himself to hide into his friends’ comfort, letting Shiro bring a hand to his back and hold him steady, let him vent his frustration into tears, glad to see him finally allowing himself to just _feel_ , even if that feeling was pain, heartbreak.

 

It took a while until heavy sobs became heaves of air, until the tears stopped and only their streaks remained, solemn, trailing paths down the pale boy’s face.

Keith leaned away from Shiro with a soft push, refusing to meet him eye to eye.

“…It’s Lance.”

Shiro remained quiet.

“I just-I can’t do this anymore. I can’t-Shiro I _can’t_ , I can’t bring myself to hate him like he hates me. I tried god dammit, I fucking _tried_ but-it hurts too bad, I can’t do it, I can’t hate him. I can’t ever hate him.”

He let him take a shaky breath before imploring further.

“Hate you? Keith, why would Lance hate you?”

“Because I broke his heart. I just-I deserve to be hated by him. I _know_ I do but it just…it hurts. It hurts too much.” there came that expression again, the one that shouldn’t ever find itself on a person’s face. Shiro wished he could just wipe away the hurt from his friend’s face, let it engulf him instead along with his own pain.

“I met him before. That year when you took me with you to Spain. I-We met at the beach and he became the best damn thing to come into my life Shiro. I wish I was exaggerating but-“

“-But you’re not one to exaggerate. I believe you Keith. You wouldn’t say that if you didn’t mean it.” he finished for him, Keith nodding along.

“I was in love with him.”

He looked away, as if weighing his next words, tasting their sound in his head.

“I’m in love with him.”

It took a lot for someone to let themselves be as vulnerable as Keith was in the moment, his expression unguarded, words sincere despite the turmoil they must’ve stirred in him.

“I thought he was too. It seemed that way, the way he’d smile at me was just-“ he sighed, finally turning to meet Shiro. “He said he’d give up the entirety of the ocean and the stars if it was for me. I want to think he meant it. I thought he did. Now,I’m not so sure.”

“Why do you think you hurt him?” Shiro was almost afraid of breaking the quiet that befell them, the dark only intermitted by the surrounding starlight seeping in from the panel behind them.

“Think? _Think_ I hurt him? I left after two months of learning to love him without a fucking _word_ Shiro. I never told him I’ll leave. I never told him _when_ I’m leaving because I was dumb and scared and I broke his fucking heart and now he hates me and oh god-I fucked up didn’t I? It’s too late?”

Shiro put a hand in front of Keith, stilling the boy that was now panicking, his chest rising and falling manically.

“Keith, breathe. No, not like that, slow and deep breaths…yeah, like that.” satisfied, he continued, “now, I’m not excusing what you did-if you were so deeply involved with Lance, you never should’ve left without a word. You should realise how easily this situation would be avoided if you did.” 

Keith nodded, evidently agreeing. 

“Good. Now, Lance said he was also in the Garrison right? Did you try to talk to him then?”

“I…I did. But by then it was so evident he hated me and I just…” he sighed, folding his hands over his bended knees, “I was so afraid of trying only to get shot down, and soon after you disappeared, so I dropped out and thought I’d never get to see him again. So I decided focusing on finding you was more important, given the circumstances.”

Shiro tried not to let the guilt pile up in his stomach.

“I understand, and thank you for trying to find me. But Keith, how do you know you’d get shot down without ever trying? You forced yourself to believe you’d be rejected without ever giving that thought a room of doubt. And now fate brought you two together again and yet you’re still doing nothing to change the situation. Why? What’s holding you back?”

Keith shook his head. “It’s too late Shiro. I…I don’t deserve his forgiveness anymore. There’s nothing I can do to _fix_ this.”

“You haven’t even tried, how can you know? You’re letting this fear of rejection take over, and you refuse to even put yourself out there, to see if you can indeed fix it.”

The younger boy remained quiet for a while, tugging at the collar of his jacket.

“Look, all I know is, a person that shared the emotions you felt couldn’t bring themselves to whole-heartedly hate you. They could try, sure, but when you feel that way for someone, it’s nearly impossible to make your heart change directions.” Shiro got up, bringing a hand to Keith’s shoulder. “It’s Lance we’re talking about; the boy is stubborn, sure, and highly opinionated, but he’s not a person that could truly hate someone. At least I don’t think so. Nor could he ever fake the feelings you say he had. He’s far too sincere for that.”

He smiled, hoping Keith would share the sentiment.  
“Try talking to him. You can start slow, see what you can do, what he feels-just try and be civil to each other for Voltron’s sake, and work your way through that, at least. But Keith, you _must_ be sincere; tell Lance what you feel, what you’re thinking, and don’t cut him out. Not this time. Alright?”

He took the silence as an affirmative and let go of his shoulder, turning to head towards the exit.

“Do I deserve it?”

Stopping, he glanced at Keith, his body still fixed in his position on the seat, face shied away.

“Do I deserve him? His forgiveness?”

“Well, only Lance can be the judge of that.”

When Keith didn’t try to argue back, he carried on. “Look, you can let yourself drown in your own fears, or face them and see where the road leads you. Either way, you can’t tell yourself you know how each road is carved out, because you _don’t_ Keith. You can’t ever know what is truly going on through someone else’s head unless they explicitly tell you. So you can try and try to get into Lance’s psyche and soul, but unless you talk to him, _listen_ to him, it’s all going to be speculations. Just…try okay? You won’t know what’s there to fix if you never try.”

That seemed to lift his friends’ spirits, finally turning to face him with a small hint of a smile.

“Thanks Shiro. I…I’m really glad you’re here.”

Shiro waved a hand, glad to see the small gleam return to his friends’ face.

With a smirk, he started heading for the exit one more time.

“I knew about it, by the way.”

“Knew what?”

“That you had the hots for a certain Spanish boy back then. By the name of Lance.” he grinned.

“Wha-what?! How did you-no wait, how did you even know there _was_ a boy in the first place?!”

“Well…when I saw a half naked guy run out of your room, it was pretty obvious what was going down.”

Keith blushed and shook his hands in front of his face.  
“No-I-Shiro! It’s _not_ what you think-I mean it kinda is but _that_ day it wasn’t, Lance just-“

“Keith, buddy, please. Spare me the details. If you were both happy and consenting to what was going on then I don’t need and definitely do not _want_ to know anything else. Just let me keep that imagery out of my brain yeah?”

Keith groaned, hiding his face in his hands, but somehow, Shiro knew the boy felt better, lighter. Now he could do nothing but pray he’d eventually find the happiness he had lost.  
The happiness he deserved.

He shook his head and left the room, throwing a goodnight behind his shoulder to the groaning boy.

Shiro was no fool. It was painfully obvious how Lance was still just as in love with Keith as Keith was with him.

He just prayed they could find what they had lost without hurting each other in the process.

 

****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This turned out much longer than I thought it would ;;  
> However Shiro deserves some appreciation-we do all call him space dad but lets not forget that above all he's a good friend and even better listener, and there can be small intimate moments between him and Keith without having to be romantic (they're my greatest brotp after Hunk&Lance ok TuT)
> 
> Also I just...Keith my precious child I'm so sorry, lol. I genially felt so sad for him while writing this TuT Hopefully though it's more clear now why he acted the way he did back in the first chapter! He may act tough but he's but a ball of insecurities too~
> 
> Anyhoo~ as always, I hope you enjoy! Kudos and comments are always very much appreciated and make me a burrito of happiness! <3
> 
> If you'd like to contact me/send a prompt/shriek profanities for an eternity and a half via written speech, my tumblr's dontmindme-imafangirl.tumblr.com
> 
> See you in the next chapter <3
> 
> BTW-I do have a certain city in mind whilst writing the events of the Klance summer, but it'll be fun to leave it up to your imagination for now, so feel free to think of whichever city you prefer :D
> 
> **EDIT: Added a small part in the beginning of this chapter, in Keith's POV. I feel it fits better as the start of this chapter, however I might come back and tweak it a bit. I hope you don't find this annoying or that it breaks the cohesiveness of the story! <3  
> Plus I firmly believe Hunk, though a pure saint, would not stand for anyone hurting the people he loves, no matter what :')


	5. Lost talks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keith is taking action, ignoring the quiver of his back, deciding to do what's best for him, for Lance, for all of them.  
> Lance isn't so on board with the idea.

******

_He remembers a night a few days before Keith left (He has to mentally smack himself every time he thinks that since no, Keith didn’t just leave, he abandoned him)._

_They were at a party his friends threw, the loud beat of music and the heat of bodies mixed with the summer night consuming all his thoughts._

_Until he laid eyes on Keith, that is._   
_Every time they looked at each other, it was as if everything around them came to a halt, out of fear or respect for the look they shared._

_They could be laughing at a joke a friend made, or just looking up after a kiss, and everything would go blank, other than the feeling of sapphire meeting citrate, their colours blending and twirling into a bright feast of light._

_Lance was listening to the waves crash onto the shore, silently swaying his body to the thudding of the music, too far away from him when he was on the balcony, door shut and floor booming to the sound beneath him._

_He heard the door shift open and close again, and puffed a laugh, knowing who the quiet footsteps and warm hands belonged to._

_”I figured you’d come out here soon enough, you big antisocial goof.” he remarked, no bite in his words despite the light insult._

_”I thought you left.” the boy whose arms were wrapped around his waist, head leaning on his back, mumbled, making Lance feel the words more than hear them._

_”Without you? Why Keith, how dare you think that I’d ever do such a thing!” he grinned, squiggling his way through the boy’s arms to turn around and face him, grinning down at the small pout on his lips._

_”I know you wouldn’t.” he looked away, the grip on Lance’s sides hardening slightly, “..though sometimes I think you should.”_

_Lance sighed, knowing how the drill went by now._   
_He’d learnt enough about Keith to know how much of a pure pessimist he could be, no matter how much love and affection Lance tried to constantly give him._

_”Keith. Baby. Luz de mi vida. When will you wrap your pretty brain around the simple fact that you’re good enough? And worth all the love in the world?”_

_He grinned when he saw the flush on Keith’s neck spread to his face, making the boy gaze down as if to hide the blush from Lance’s eyes._

_Lance threw his arms around Keith’s neck, tugging him closer and letting his hands rest in the loose strands of hair on his neck, little tufts that fell out of the ponytail he was trying to sport after Lance’s persistence on how much it suited him._

_”Don’t make me repeat myself over and over. I love you. And I’m not going anywhere without you.”_

_He could see Keith trying to work up his courage, an unspoken complaint in his eyes, the words begging to come out yet never making their way past his lips._

_”How are you saying all this with a straight face? Did you take one too many of those shot-thingies Hunk made?” he grinned mischievously, bringing a hand up to flick Lance’s forehead._

_”They’re called jello shots, and they taste amazing. Honestly, I’m surprised you haven’t had any yet. No, more than surprised actually. For Hunk’s sake and pride, I am insulted!” he huffed, enjoying the way his puffed cheeks brought Keith to giggles. “OK pretty boy, we’re going back inside, and you’re trying those jellos. Yes?”_

_He let the sound of Keith’s laugh drown out all of the music, the waves, the footsteps, the white noise of the night, drowning himself in the view of that smile. Yet soon enough it was over, and Keith was looking up at him, small smile still in place._

_”Fine, I’ll try them. But first…please get back inside and translate what Hunk has been saying. Apparently he loses the ability to speak English when drunk, and I definitely heard my name in one of his rumblings.”_

_Keith scrunched his nose in distaste, undoubtedly not enjoying being the topic of a conversation he could not grasp, and Lance took the opportunity to lean close and kiss the fold of his nose, making the dark-haired boy scrunch it further with an angry glare._

_He laughed and laced a hand with his, tugging him back inside, promising to translate the ongoing conversation._

_If they didn’t let their hands separate from each other that night…well, they might just blame that on the jello shots._

 

******

He felt the knock on his door more than he heard it, loud thuds shaking their way into his brain, disrupting him from an already fitful sleep.

Rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, he mumbled a lazy ‘come in’. He assumed it was Hunk again, the big softie probably too anxious to go to bed what with their extraterrestrial situation and whatnot, and would probably need his friend to vent and cuddle with.

He wasn’t expecting hesitant feet to plant themselves in front of his door, a quiet Keith staring holes into the floor of his bedroom.

All tiredness gone from his system like it was never there, he shifted out of his bed, arms folded into each other, mimicking the standing boy’s pose.

“What do you want.”

Keith’s eyes met his momentarily, mouth opening before he averted his gaze again, words seemingly refusing to leave his throat.

“I swear to all the other worldly gods Kogane, if you’re here to piss me off further, you best fuck off right now. Unless your name is Hunk you don’t get to disrupt my 8 hours of beauty sleep.”

“I-“ he started, the soreness of his voice startling them both. “I wanted to talk.”

Lance took in Keith’s appearance.   
The boy was still in his day wear, from the red leather jacket to the black combat boots, his knife in it’s usual pocket by his side. He was shifting casually from one foot to another, his head turned away and allowing a perfect view of his prominent jaw and long strands of hair-another slap to Lance’s face, a slap reminding him how _long_ it’s been since he last saw him, since he last saw the doe-eyed boy with the soft smile and even softer heart.

He wondered, when was it that that very heart decided to shatter his.

“You’re a couple of years too late for that Keith.”

The words felt like a cold bucket washing over them both, Keith’s eyes so evidently showing his pain, making it so much easier for Lance to forgive him and kiss the pain away from his eyelids if only Keith could just _say_ what Lance needed to hear-

“Look, I get it, you got a right to be pissed-“

“Pissed? Really?” Lance snarled, already hating where this conversation was heading.

“Upset. You have a right to be upset, but this-this can’t go on. I don’t _want_ it to go on because-“

“Oh? You don’t _want_ it to?” he mocked, bringing a hand to cover his pretentious shocked expression. “Why I’m sorry Keith, your royal highness. How about I just _ignore_ the fact that you all but _abandoned_ me back then without a word, and we met again only for you to never try to apologise, not even _once_?!”

He knew he was taking it too far, he knew he was pulling on every one of Keith’s nerves he knew he could pull, but he couldn’t control himself, the anger welling up inside him for so long, the bitterness, the hurt. 

The betrayal, both from Keith but most of all from himself, for letting him believe there was a chance of ever getting back together with the person that hurt him.

“Lance, that’s not how I meant it and you know it. I just-I want us to find some common ground here. If not for us, then for the sake of the team.” Keith sighed, bringing a hand to the nape of his neck, “We can’t form Voltron when we can’t even talk on a civil level.”

Oh. So _that’s_ what it was about. 

It was never about them.   
Never about Keith coming back to Lance, never even for a sincere apology, an explanation that Lance’s whole body all but begged to hear.

This was about doing what had to be done, a chore Keith had to get over with.

“Of course. Forming Voltron.”

He saw Keith nod from the corned of his eyes, refusing to look up from his thighs and meet the expression the violet-eyed boy must’ve been sporting.

He thought of his bond with Blue, how connected he felt to her during flight, how connected he felt to the rest of the paladins that one time they managed to form Voltron.

He hated to admit it, but up to a point, Keith was right.  
No matter how much it hurt him to think so.

“You do understand right? We’re..we’re defenders of the whole freaking universe now. We don't get to put whole civilisations in jeopardy because of our own personal conflicts.”

Each second passing felt like a stab in his chest.

“I…I want us to be able to at least be civil again. I know there’s a lot we should probably talk about, and if you also want to, I’d like to-no, I _need_ to-“

“There’s no need to talk about anything.”   
He felt…blank. Devoid of feeling.

As if his skin was replaced by cold metal, he stood, coming face to face with the shorter boy, who looked into his face as if searching for something, expression dropping when he apparently didn’t find what he was looking for.

“I understand that forming Voltron is a priority, over whatever we are feeling. Saving the universe is more important then you owning up to your actions and redeeming yourself for your past mistakes.”

“Lance-no I-“

“No nothing. We will be better towards each other from tomorrow onwards. Just and only for the sake of forming Voltron. Now, if that’s all, please leave.”

Keith’s whole body shook, fierce dark gaze meeting the cold blue tint of Lance’s own.

“Dammit Lance I’m not here for just-“

“I _said_ ” he growled, not recognising the harshness in his own voice, “please leave.”

A million thoughts seemed to race behind Keith’s eyelids, mouth dropping into a frown, eyes blinking back words unsaid.

With one more hurt look, he turned away from the tan boy, finding the control of the door and pushing on it with a loud thud.

“If you decide you want to talk about this…I’ll be here.”  
He shifted his head to meet Lance one more time, bitter smile on his lips.

“I’ll be waiting Lance.”

He left, door shutting behind him before Lance’s knees gave up, letting him meet the floor with a shudder from the sudden cold impact.

“How am I supposed to trust you will.” he whispered to no one in particular.

Lance didn’t find any sleep for the rest of their augmented nighttime.

*****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried jello shots last year for the first time at a uni party and I'm shook. They're so good and yet I don't have the slightest idea how to make them T-T
> 
> Also about the Hunk cuddles-if you don't cuddle with your best friend then what are you doing? Best friend cuddles are the best thing ok~
> 
> As always I hope you liked this! I'm sorry it's a bit short, I'd like to write more but I'm travelling back from my hometown today because university's starting and I don't have much time ;;
> 
> Kudos/comments are always very much appreciated, and per usual, if you'd like to contact me/send a prompt/calculate how much time it would take to fling a fork in space, my tumblr's dontmindme-imafangirl.tumblr.com :)
> 
> See you at the next chapter! <3


	6. Little misconceptions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lance isn't fond of training, Pidge doesn't have a filter, and Shiro is, for once, at a loss of words.

******

From the moment he roused that morning, he knew it wasn’t going to be a good day.  
He sat up, slowly blinking the mist from his eyes, profusely refusing to accept that the foggy vision was caused by the tears that formed after a night of dreaming of amethysts and strong warm arms, making him reminisce like an old man at his lost youth.

No, Lance wasn’t going to just sit there and accept that even two years later, he wasn’t over this. He _was_ over it, he was done, over, and tired by the whole mess he had going on beneath his ribcage, willing his heart to just _shut up_ and-

The screeching, loud bleeps of his Altean make-shift alarm clock did no favours to his whirring mind, so he slammed it shut with his fist, the last drops of sleep finally leaving his tired eyes. 

With a sigh, he grabbed the Paladin suit laying limp on his desk and rushed to the showers, ignoring the fact that he’d only get sweaty again after a full day of practice-if it was one thing that his mom had taught him, it’s that the only proper way to start the day was with a shower.

The fact that he willed the shower to wash the redness off of his eyes had nothing to do with his decision at all.

****  
Keith was trying.  
He was honest to God trying. Yet, as he made his way through stretches and jogging and minuscule training exercises Allura was throwing their way, he couldn’t stop his mind from focusing on Lance.

It was almost like his brain was trying to catch up on what he had missed on the boy for the time he hadn’t seen him, for the months of silence between them at the Garisson, for the lack of contact for that year he spent away from civilisation of any sorts.

With the side of his eye, he noticed the lanky boy fighting a training drone a couple of feet away from him, using his long-range bayard gun to his advantage and keeping a safe distance from the drone, shooting precisely and critically each time.

Yet Keith could notice a certain fatigue in the way Lance held himself, his movements ever so slightly slower than before, his usual cocky smirk wiped off his face and switched with a focused scowl and furrowed eyebrows. 

He was about to call out the Spanish boys’ name before a loud smack that was promptly followed with a burning pain on his ribcage swallowed him, turning his attention fully back to the drone which had knocked him onto the floor, before moving to hit the finishing blow.  
It was about to, when a purple streak sliced it clean through the abdominal area, making it immediately turn off and dematerialise, having completed its purpose. Behind it stood a grave Shiro, his eyes worrying over Keith.

Shiro extended a hand to the fallen boy, a small pout accompanying his fatherly look.

He got up with a grumbled thanks, patting dirt off of his pants once he did.

“Keith. You’d usually be able to dodge that with ease.”

Keith groaned. He did _not_ like where this conversation was going.

“Yeah sorry, I lost focus for a minute.”

Shiro’s frown deepened, looking Keith up and down as if to examine the boy for any visible injuries.

“You’re not one to lose focus often. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“Keith-“

“I _said_ nothing’s wrong Shiro. Now get off of my case and go back to training.” he growled, feeling guilty for the harshness in his voice, but knowing it was the only way his friend would back off and not force him into doing something he might regret, like expressing his worries and _feelings_ in front of all the other Paladins.

He sighed and picked up his fallen bayard, noticing a blue tint walking his way.

His breath hitched in his throat when Lance walked by him, not daring to look back up to see his face. He could feel his chest drop when Lance merely passed him, moving to Pidge who had just finished fighting all the levels with her drone and was taking a break by the stairs of the training room.

Keith _knew_ he had to do something about this situation between him and Lance. But in all honestly, he wasn’t sure if Lance would even accept to talk to him face to face, even more so actually trying to be _civil_ with him like he said he would that night a few days ago.   
Sure, ever since then, no sly insults or petty remarks were hurled his way.  
Even worse, unless forced to, Lance promptly refused to utter a single word to him, not even sparing a glance Keith’s way.

On the one hand, he couldn’t help but feel that he deserved the harsh treatment. Yet, the blatant rivalry behaviour the blue Paladin had expressed during their time at the Garisson, made Keith certain that Lance didn’t care that way for him. Not anymore, at least.

He knew he wanted to find a way to fix this. Yet something inside him insisted that maybe, just maybe, there was no point in trying. 

Maybe he just deserved to be hurt, bitter. Hated.

*****

They were finally onto the final training exercise of the day, which, much to Lance’s distaste, was the mental bonding exercise.

The first time they’d been through it, he was so horribly homesick and scared for the fate of his planet, that the only thing he could think of, and hence the only thing the other Paladins could see, were the faces of his family, all smiling and gleeful as Lance hoped they’d be, and small bits and pieces of his hometown; the neighbourhood he grew up in, the beach right by his house, the park his little sister Sofia and his younger brother Miguel loved to play in, the narrow streets with navy-coloured windowsills leading down to grainy sands and vast blue he used to walk through. 

Yet now that the homesickness had become a constant feeling in his gut, there was much more space for more feelings to resurface, feelings he’d much, much rather keep as deep inside him as possible.

The second time he mistakingly allowed his mind to roam free, willing himself to believe that that would aid in the formation of Voltron. Yet, when the first image that appeared on his mental link screen was that of a sunset he was all too familiar with, inside an apartment that most definitely did _not_ belong to him, he immediately shut his thoughts out, refusing to carry on with that specific exercise for the day.

Everyone had been angry with him, telling him how selfish he was for doing so. Keith had remained quiet, a solemn look on his face, but to his surprise, it was Shiro who looked at him with sympathy, clasping his hands and calling it quits for the day.

Now, since Voltron had already been successfully formed and the Paladins were able to form it at their will, Lance saw no point to the exercise-even when Coran insisted it would be ‘the perfect chance to strengthen the bond between the Paladins’.

Reluctantly, he put on the mental link cap, feeling it firmly attach onto his scalp, and he shut his eyes, willing his mind to an empty state, and letting his mental connection with the other Paladins drift through each of their thoughts.

He went to Hunk’s first, forming a small smile when he saw that his best friends first thought was a memory of them in Hunks’ family’s kitchen, both of them much younger than they were now, Hunk’s mother slapping away their young grabby hands that were trying to sneakily lean in and sneak some of the fresh Bola de Berlim she had made, proudly talking to the two boys about her Portuguese heritage and traditional recipes.

He quickly switched onto Pidge, whose thoughts, though still significantly reserved and held away from the other Paladins, were slowly starting to ease up. The current thought in the Green Paladin’s mind was a long algorithm, Lance assumed, as well as what he understood to be buttons of a computer keyboard. He snorted, realising how Pidge-like the whole ordeal was, and leaving those thoughts alone, not wanting to see random greek letters flowing through his own thoughts.

Next was Shiro, though for Lance, treading into Shiro’s thoughts was a risky task. He knew that the guy had been held prisoner and then lost almost all recollection of it, so his thoughts and memories were fuzzy, at best. He never tried to hide anything from the other Paladins, yet there wasn’t ever much to show. He’d sometimes have flashing memories of purple, and sometimes it’d just be thoughts of what else they’d have to do for that day, but that was pretty much it. Lance once stumbled into Shiro’s thoughts as a memory of him at a younger age than now appeared, Shiro dressed in the Garrison uniform and barging into a room that felt strongly familiar to Lance. Later on that day, he realised the room he saw was none other than Keith’s, all the way back in the desert. He refused to let his stomach churn at the thoughts his mind was producing.

The only paladin left now was…Keith. He refused to venture into Keith’s thoughts, and rightfully so; every time he tried, his whole body tensed and froze, his breath became labored, and he backed away, fearing what he would see in the violet-eyed boys’ mind.

Without his consent, his mind brought up a stinging memory-Lance, standing outside the apartment he knew Keith was staying at, realising that it was empty, just as Hunk warned him it would be. 

He’d went there a few days after Keith left, after he was only informed by third parties that the person whose embrace he was in the day before, was gone, never to be seen again. 

Lance felt like he _needed_ to check for himself, to go back to the apartment, make sure with his own eyes that it was vacant, no evidence of Keith to be found. 

When his fear was confirmed, that the apartment was indeed empty, no evidence of the dark-haired boy to be found, he ran back out and into the street, breaking down before he set foot on the pavement. 

Hunk was waiting for him outside, and grabbed him in a tight hug when his tears wouldn’t stop falling, short cries and gross sobs escaping his throat and getting drowned in his best friend’s shirt.

The memory immediately stopped when he felt someone prodding his thoughts, trying to enter the ongoing thought. He immediately switched thoughts, only to hear a groan coming from the Green Paladin’s direction.

“Seriously man? Coran _specifically_ asked you to keep your thoughts open. This is the third time you’re shutting me off before I get to enter them!”

He let his eyes flutter open, noticing the fury in Pidge’s eyes.

“Sorry sorry I just-it feels weird. It’s not like I did it on purpose!” he lied through his teeth, glad to see the fire in his friends’ eyes subsiding ever so slightly. 

“Then fucking close your eyes again so I can see what you’re thinking and get this exercise over with!”

“Pidge. Language.” Shiro chided, his eyes still closed and legs still crossed.

“Pidge is right Lance”, Coran’s voice echoed through the speakers above them, “You’re the one shutting the others out the most.” 

He rolled his eyes but focused once more, trying to keep his thoughts neutral and focus on mundane things like what he’d eaten today (and how disgusting that damn green goo was), and how he couldn’t wait to go take a shower.

“And Keith, you try venturing into Lance’s thoughts too. You two haven’t even tried to read each other during these exercises!”

That’s when Lance’s eyes snapped open, tugging the mental cap over his head despite the scorching pain that brought him.

“Oh _hell_ no! I refuse to let a person with a _mullet_ venture into my brain! No bueno. No.” he huffed, crossing his arms and leaning his weight forward and over his crossed legs.

The other Paladins groaned when the exercise was cut off, as would happen when one of them broke the connection, just like what’d happen with Voltron if they weren’t all mentally there and connected.

“Hey, it’s not like I _asked_ to go into your brain. But if we want to form Voltron at will, we have to bond with each other. All of us.”

Keith stood, glaring at Lance all the while. 

Lance tried not to feel the jab in his heart at the distance in the Red Paladins’ words.

“Forming Voltron and you making your way through _my_ brain are two entirely different things.”

“No they’re not Lance, for fuck’s sake-“

“Keith-“

“Shiro don’t you dare correct me on my language right now or so god help me I will rain fire upon your ass.” he shifted, rising to give a hearty glare Lance’s way, making the blue paladin rise and match the gaze, the shared anger turning into a competition for the two, “and _you_ were the one who said we’re going to treat each other like real fucking human beings from now on. So what the hell is still up with you?!”

“Up with me? What the hell is up with _me_?! That’s what you should be asking _yourself_ jackass. _I’m_ not the one that did what _you_ did, then disappeared into the freaking desert-“

“That has _nothing_ to do with what’s going on right now!”

“Really? Nothing? Tell me asshole was it also _nothing_ when you decided it’s alright to up and fucking _go _without telling the guy you were scr-“__

__“Lance!”_ _

__It was Shiro that finally stood between the two, a palm on each of their chest as if to physically restrain their bloodthirst._ _

__“Oh what? Are you scared I might hurt your precious _boyfriend_ Shiro?!” Lance exasperated, waving his arms at his sides to vent his frustration._ _

__“Bo-b-boyfriend?” Shiro spat out, eyes widening at the sound._ _

__He stared, eyes wide, at the frantic expression on their leader’s face, his hands stilled in mid-air between the two boys._ _

__“You thought…Shiro….Shiro’s my _boyfriend?_ ” even Keith, who was spouting flames out of his mouth not so long ago. stilled at the thought, a manic twitch at the corner of his mouth twisting and contouring into a huff, that eventually turned into a full-blown laugh, and Lance’s heart would’ve clenched at the sight were it not for the same giggle erupting from the rest of the Paladins._ _

__“Fuck my life this is the greatest thing I’ve heard in _months_ ” Pidge breathed between spouts of laughter, clenching their stomach with both hands, not stopping even at the hearty glare Shiro gave for their intricate use of words._ _

__“I-Lance, Keith is more of a brother to me than anyone I’ve ever met, I’ve grown up with him. I’m sorry you misunderstood.” Shiro stood in front of Lance, trying to school his flustered expression to a more neutral one, despite the redness of his face mimicking Lance’s own._ _

__“Oh-I-no yeah right. Of course. You’re…friends.” he knew the stumbling of his words did nothing to hide his embarrassment, yet as a last act of defiance, he looked up to meet Keith’s worry, his eyes clearly scanning Lance’s, trying to figure out the meaning behind his fluster, the meaning behind it all.  
He refused to give him the satisfaction of staying there like a torn, open book in the hands of a stranger._ _

__“Not that I care if he was anyway. You do you, bottom line is, I do _not_ enjoy having to deal with _his_ holier-than-thou attitude” he huffed, pointing in Keith’s direction, “and nor do I want to continue this discussion.”_ _

__He turned swiftly on the heel of his foot, ready to tail ass straight out of the training room, before a strong tug on his forearm stilled him in place._ _

__“Lance wait. We _need_ to work through this.”_ _

__He ignored the scorching feeling where Keith’s hand was gripping him._ _

__“No, actually, no we don’t.”_ _

__“Yes we do Lance. You can’t run away from your problems.”_ _

___You mean like you did?_ he wanted to ask, let the words shred their way straight into the shorter boy’s soul, but his own chest felt so weak, so vulnerable, that he couldn’t bring himself to articulate his thoughts._ _

__“Oh yeah? Watch me.”  
With a strong tug, he freed himself from his grip and run his way out of the training room._ _

__He didn’t know wether to be upset or relieved at the fact that he was let go uninterrupted. As if his exit didn’t matter._ _

__As if he didn’t matter.  
He felt the touch of ice cold blue wash over him with every racing pulse._ _

__He only wished the ice coursing through him could freeze every fibre of his being, let it still then melt into nothingness.  
He wished he didn't actually matter as little as he thought he did._ _

__******_ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who's back, back again~
> 
> My bae @ibreatheStucky told me to make Shiro a flustered mess in this so I could do nothing but comply :^))
> 
> Sorry for the late update, classes started again and I had to travel back to uni and get back into schedule again so stuff was a bit hectic. I should be uploading weekly from now on! <3
> 
> As always, I hope you like this, and if you'd like to contact me/send a prompt or headcanon/request a bucket of tears of tired med students, my tumblr's dontmindme-imafangirl.tumblr.com
> 
> See you at the next chapter! Holy Hunk will be coming to the front of the stage very soon :^) ((I hope this is a phrase in english lol or else idk how much sense this makes))


	7. Ragged breaths

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a question tugging on his lips yet he's too afraid to ask, too afraid to feel, to let himself realise there's only so much he can do on his own.
> 
> Keith needs to understand that he can't carry the burden of the world on just his own shoulders.  
> Lance needs to understand that he can't fool himself no longer, can't pretend he's not broken.
> 
> They need to come to realisations, to a definite conclusion, before it's too late.
> 
> Hunk thinks he might be able to help.

****  
Keith stared after the retreating figure, Lance rushing out of the training room before any of them could utter a word.

He wanted to reach out, grab Lance, ask him what’s wrong, ask him why he lashed out the way he did, why he got so…so _upset_ over a misunderstanding, ask him to just look at him in the eye for once.

The churning in his stomach assured him it’d be best not to, knowing full well how confronting Lance in this state would never end well. With a slumped sigh, he turned to the others, oddly noticing the stare Hunk was giving him, his arms folded and gaze calculating.

“Alright team, practice’s over. Everyone go get some rest, and I’ll go…I’ll go talk to Allura, figure out our next session’s exercises.” Shiro cleared his throat before speaking up, obviously contemplating his next move. “Hunk, do you think talking to Lance would be a good idea?”

Hunk’s gaze finally tore off of Keith at that, bobbing his head to the side.  
“Nah, it wouldn’t. When he’s like that he just needs his space, he’ll want some time to cool off before anyone goes looking for him.”

He must’ve noticed the furrow between Shiro’s eyebrows, continuing with a soft smile.  
“It’s alright. He’s going to be alright. I’ll go talk to him later.”

Though it wasn’t much for reassurance, Shiro dropped the subject, trusting Hunk to take care of his friend in his time of need. After all, the person that knew the Spanish boy better than anyone in this room was none other than Hunk. The thought settled uncomfortably within Keith.

There was a thick silence in the room before everyone started to disband, Pidge mumbling something about checking up on Rover and his system update, whilst Shiro rushed out to find Allura.

Keith resigned to spending some more time in the training room, ready to get back to work after a quick shower, already walking towards the door when a voice behind him stilled his steps.

“Keith, hold up.” 

He turned, finding Hunk awkwardly standing behind him, a hand rubbing at the base of his neck.  
“I was wondering if we could uh, talk.”

He raised an eyebrow, sizing the shy boy up. Hunk wanted to talk? To _him_? Last time they had a one-on-one conversation was back at the Garrison, back when Hunk all but kicked him away from Lance’s door, from the one time he gathered up enough courage to go talk to him, explain himself.

Yet no matter what, he couldn’t find it in him to hate Hunk for his actions. He was a boy with a heart too big for his body, and what he did he did thinking it was for the best. Keith broke his best friends’ heart, so of course he wouldn’t be in Hunk’s favour.

“Yeah. Yeah sure, okay.” he settled, feeling waves of anxiety wash over him, yet Hunk just smiled, a small reassuring tug of lips, and guided him along and away from the training room, remaining quiet all the while.

 

****  
They eventually found themselves in a corridor significantly further than all the common rooms and their sleeping quarters, Keith curiously gazing around, probably trying to pin-point their location.

Hunk knew the shorter boy couldn’t have possibly known where they were headed, he himself only figuring this area out not that long ago, on a day where boredom and excess adrenaline from yet another mission guided him along the endless halls of the castle.

With a few more steps they found themselves in front of a large door, Hunk eagerly opening it before stepping aside to let Keith take the sight in.

Behind closed doors lay a marble-walled library, books stacked as high as the eye could see, layer upon layer of stairs and corridors leading floors up, the bleach white lights of the Castle illuminating the reflective surfaces of the floors and tables found scattered besides the libraries.

“How did you-is this-please tell me there’s books in English. Or any language from Earth.” Keith sighed, wide eyes glowing at the literary heaven before him.

Hunk laughed, happy to see the childish look on the paladin’s face.

“Unfortunately no, it’s all in Altean. Pidge is working on a translator as we speak though. With Coran’s help, it shouldn’t take much longer to get it done.”

Keith hummed in response, tentative steps leading him into the library before gaining courage and finding his way in, plopping down onto the nearest table.

“So you wanted to speak to me?”

Hunk followed, taking a sit on the chair besides Keith, nodding his head before cautiously figuring out his next choice of words.

“Are you alright?”

“I-alright? With what?”

Hunk sighed, not liking where this was going.

“Come on Keith. With the incident before. With the whole deal between you two.”

Keith cowered, lowering his gaze towards his hands that were clasped atop his lap.

“I-I don’t know” he sighed, dejection evident in his voice. “I don’t know what to do, I don’t know where I stand with him, don’t know what he wants of me.”

Hunk nodded along, quietly waiting for Keith to finish.

“I tried to make amends, tried apologising, tried talking to him and nothing works, or I think it does and then the next moment he’s fuming again and throwing out insults and I’m just-I don’t know what else to do.”

“Keith, what did you think of Lance’s reaction, back in the training room?”

“You mean with the Shiro incident?”

Hunk nodded, noticing the awkward shifting of Keith’s weight from one thigh to the other.

“I-well. It didn’t make any sense. First he’s getting mad with me, then gets mad at the _thought_ of me dating Shiro, then just-gets pissed off further and storms off? I didn’t get it. He was hurling out insults then run away.”

Keith sighed, turning to face Hunk with a bitter smile.

“I just wish I knew of a way to fix this. Just-just for us to be able to be civil to each other once again. I’d settle even for just that.”

Hunk pondered over it, a dilemma pacing behind his eyes. Keith must’ve caught on to that, turning his head and silently prodding Hunk to say what’s on his mind, pleading even, his whole body inching closer in hopes of urging the boy to speak.

“Man, Lance is going to _murder_ me if he finds out I told you this. But I want to see him happy too, see _both_ of you happy and just, if you don’t get it then how will you be able to try and talk things through with him? Like, you got a right to know, you know? You should definitely, it’s important and-“

“Hunk.”

He realised he was ranting and stopped, closing his eyes and taking in a shaky breath before facing Keith once more, secretly praying to all the deities he could name that Lance won’t be mad if he finds out he spoke to Keith.

“Look, you need to know. Lance was-Lance wasn’t the same after you left. He was…hurt. Devastated. He even begged me to take him to the apartment you were staying and let him sneak in, prove to himself that it’s empty. After that he kind of just, broke down. Wouldn’t sleep, wouldn’t eat, he’d just hole himself up in his room, he wouldn’t even open the door to _me_.”

The shaking of Keith’s shoulders didn’t go unnoticed, but he knew this was no time to take pity on the hurt boy, fully aware it was his only chance to make Keith truly see things from Lance’s perspective, help him get a glimpse of what went down when he wasn’t there.

“He was a wreck Keith. He opened up his phone everyday and tried calling you, on that temporary phone number you had while you were there, and he’d break down every time he got that ‘The number you have dialled is not available’ tone. Eventually I had to take his phone and delete the number myself. He refused to speak to me for days after that.”

The knuckles of Keith’s fists had turned white, and Hunk felt guilt pool up in his chest, guilt for describing Lance’s most private moments to someone else without his consent, guilt for pushing all of this baggage on to Keith. Yet he knew, prayed it was for the best. For both of them.

“It was like Lance had reverted back to his old self, before he was so social and stuff, but in tenfold of before.”

Keith turned at that, his nose scrunched, holding back tears.

“Old self?”

Hunk pondered, wondering how much of this information he could disclose without overstepping his bounds further.

“Ah-I…I really can’t say much about this. Just, Lance wasn't always like this, okay? He wasn’t always a big social cheerful person. Not when we first met anyway. He was so cut-off and isolated, wouldn’t let anyone close-it felt like a milestone when he finally opened up to me, and it took a _long_ time for it to happen.”  
He huffed something between a sigh and a laugh, bittersweet on his lips.

“You’re…actually you’re the only person I know that he let into his life that fast.”

Keith’s eyes were now filled to the brim, and despite his stand-offish facade, Hunk knew how sensitive the boy could get, how the tears rolling down his cheeks shouldn’t be a surprise, yet they were, catching Hunk completely off-guard, his good-willed nature urging him to end this conversation and cheer his friend up, yet there was another, small voice telling him not to, pushing him to give his piece of mind to the boy, let him know exactly why he wanted to have this conversation all along.

 

“Look, Lance being so harsh with you isn’t because he hates you.” he paused, letting Keith’s attention fully shift back to him and his words. “Him being rude and hard on others is kind of like, like his self defence. He doesn’t know how else to protect himself from getting hurt so he’s trying to push you out as far as he can, hold you at an arms length so you won’t have the power to hurt him again.”

He leaned close, putting a hand onto Keith’s shoulder, hoping the reassuring gesture would ground him.

“He doesn’t hate you. He is afraid, and hurt, and bitter. But he doesn’t hate you. And there’s still time, there’s still hope for you two. Don’t give up just yet, alright?”

He let go when Keith nodded, face hidden between tuffs of hair, and Hunk felt the awkwardness engulf him again, all the courage from before ejected from his body.

“Sorry for dragging you out here. Just, take your time to recompose yourself okay? Do you uh-do you want me to stay here? Talk some more?”

Keith shook his head, yet remained silent, Hunk succumbing to the guilt once more.

“Ah, alright. I’ll just um-I’ll just go okay? But if you feel like it, come find me anytime. I’ll be there to hear you out, okay?”

He saw Keith nod and shuffled away, awkward but content that his friend had now caught a glimpse of the other perspective, of the way Lance felt about the whole situation.

Now there wasn’t anything else he could do but wait and hope things would work out for the two.

*****

Keith stilled, letting the tremors lace themselves with Hunks words and lull him into a profound somber state. The thoughts twirled around his mind, bringing up images of Lance without his permission, Lance’s face back in Spain, intermixed with drops of ocean water barely distinguishable from the blue of his eyes and the shine of his smile, Lance’s face just moments ago, the ice in his gaze freezing the boil of his blood, a snarl on his lips-expressions he helped create.

He couldn’t help but reminisce, the words plunged in his heart pulling him back, reminding him of the feeling of cool hands lacing with his, the light-headedness the summer air and feather kisses brought him, how _fond_ he felt of the boy standing beside him-

Lance had helped pull out the best qualities in him. When they were together he was able to smile more, laugh more. He was pulled out of his comfort zone in the best way possible, learning to accept himself whilst working on his fears without shying away from them. He began to talk more, express himself, speak his mind.  
He thought back to the days after he left the Garrison. The cold, the isolation, just him stranded in the middle of the desert without Lance to hold onto and without Shiro to turn to. 

He remembers the nights he lay in the desert, the feeling of sand in his shoes taking him back to early hours at the beach, how he’d turn to Lance to see him staring at the stars, holding the same gaze Keith had whenever he looked up to the sky, up to the unknown.  
Lance would then turn to him, bangs pushed away from his forehead, his face starlit and eyes so bright Keith could’ve sworn he stole the light from the stars in the sky itself. He’d lean close to kiss him, let the sound of waves steal their hushed whispers and suddenly he felt more at home than he ever would in his shack, more at home than he ever could.

 

He thought of the hatred, the bitter words exchanged between them back at the Garrison, thought back to Hunk’s words just now.

Lance hurt him because he was afraid of getting hurt himself.  
He didn’t deserve to hurt like this either. An apology was due, both from him to Lance, and yet also from Lance to him.

They needed to finally let open wounds heal, but they’d never be able to if they kept digging their nails through each others puny sutures, drawing blood until they pale.

They needed to heal. Both of them.  
Together.

******

He didn’t know where to run to, his feet aching from the strenuous practice yet the burn of his thighs felt more welcome than the thoughts running through his head.

Eventually he was led into the hangar, the promise of comfort seeping through his bones, through his link with _her._

Blue must’ve sensed his distress, there was no other explanation for it, her sole will guiding Lance to her.

He walked close to her, feet unsteady, before dropping down to his knees, letting his forehead rest onto her snout.

“I fucked up Blue. I fucked up big time.” he mumbled between broken sobs, bringing a hand to his mouth to stifle the sound.

The feel of metal on his back alerted him of her movement, her paw coming close so Lance could lean in to her embrace, her cold purrs sending shivers of comfort down his spine.

She let him rant about it, about it all.  
“It hurts Blue. It hurts, it hurts and through it all I hurt him too, _keep_ hurting him.”  
“He was my person. I never wanted to say the things I’ve said to him, never wanted to act like this.”

 

“I never-I never meant to hurt him. I’m just scared. Fuck, I’m not just scared I’m terrified”, he whispered into her paw, tears now drying after a relentless cry that left his mouth dry and his throat sore. 

“I just keep licking over my wounds, hoping I’ll lap up all the blood but it doesn’t stop, it just keeps pouring and I’m scared-I’m scared it’ll never stop, scared I’ll just keep hurting him and everyone around me until I bleed to death, and no one will miss me, no one will care-“

He paused, letting her push her snout onto his torso.  
“I should have never met him. Never should’v met _you_. Never should’ve come here.”

He sensed Blue’s desperate question and leaned away, facing her with a bitter smile.

“I don’t belong here Blue. I shouldn’t be here.”

She gripped him tight once more, refusing to let him out of her claws, a primitive fear rushing through her-though unlikely she felt it-felt that if she let him go now, her paladin would disappear, as if he had never existed in the first place.

Through their bond, she tried desperately to convey it to him, let him know that he is _enough_ that he is _wanted, loved_. She pushed all the comfort she could master through their linked bond yet Lance kept on shivering, fearing her reassurance was but a lie, just a scheme to keep him in his place.

She wondered what could be done to save her Paladin.  
She wondered, deep down, if it was already too late.

****

Keith eventually found him in the small make-shift garden Hunk and Coran had created, a small array of herbs and flowers decorating the room.

Hunk was gently handling a pot of flowers, watering them with a close precision, before he turned to face Keith, surprise nearly making him drop the potted plant.

“I hurt him didn’t I.”

Hunk smiled.

“Yeah…yeah you did.”

“He hurt me too.”

“As much as I’d like to defend him, he did hurt you too, yeah.”

“Do you think I can do it?”

He cocked his head.  
“Do what?”

“Mend…this? Us?”

Hunk turned, letting the flower back down in its place.  
“What, by yourself? No.”

He looked at him, taken a back for a moment before Hunk turned around with a grin.

“But you two together? Yeah. Yeah you can. There’s still hope.”

“It’s not too late?” he worried his bottom lip, unable to fully trust his gut, yet finding the courage he needed at his words.

“No. It’s not too late.”

_It’s not too late_ he thought again, a smile reaching his eyes.  
_It’s not too late._

*****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woo! Hey there!  
> I'm sorry for not updating sooner. I had a hard time managing classes and writing, then decided to come back to my home-town for a couple of days to just relax and unwind. I hope the 3K in this is enough of an apology for the delay, hahah~
> 
> I'm not sure if this is considered angst or not? Ah well *shrugs* hope you like it either way! :D  
> I really head canon that the Castle has a massive library hidden in there /somewhere/-if there's an upside down pool then why not have a 10 floors-high library? ((also it'll be a scenery used in other chapters too so~))
> 
> As always, kudos/comments are very much appreciated! Thanks for reading <3
> 
> If you'd like to contact me/send a prompt/gush about gays in space, my tumblr's dontmindme-imafangirl.tumblr.com
> 
> See you at the next chapter <3


	8. New Perspective

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keith is ready for the final confrontation, ready to come clean to Lance, ready to make amends and start anew.  
> There's a fire in his heart and he refuses to put it out.
> 
> He just hopes Lance will see things the same way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song used in this chapter: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PENK3uyEPeQ

*****

It took him a day to completely take in his conversation with Hunk, let himself believe that there was still hope.  
He cultivated the feeling like a campfire, throwing more and more fuel at it until it engulfed his chest, burned with a promising poise, ushering him to make amends, make things _right_.  
He could do this. It took so long but he could see now, see how wrong he was, see how much he hurt the person he loved, see how much he hurt _himself_ -all he needed was to make Lance see things the same way, give him just one more chance to redeem himself. 

One last chance to prove he’d never let go again, not if he could help it.

With a start, he jumped out of his bed the moment their augmented morning begun, ready to put his words into actions, ones he wouldn’t regret later on, hoped he wouldn’t.

He was ready to do what his heart deemed right, for once.  
Now all that was left was to find the person that needed to hear this the most.

 

*****

He eventually stopped looking, his shoulders slumped at the wasted effort. 

He’d checked the training room, the control room, their post-missions lounge, even the hangar, facing Red with a disappointed pout when she conveyed her confusion at her paladin’s frantic search. Turning to Blue, silently pleading her to tell him where her Paladin was didn’t help either, the only feeling seeping in him through her being a bitter tinge at the bottom of his ribcage.

After some more shuffling around and asking the others if they knew where he’d went only to get a negative reply, he felt the bravery flowing through his blood moments ago give out, taking Lance’s absence as a sign that today wasn’t the day to talk to him, the day to give an apology, an explanation.

His tired feet carried him down more corridors, his mind no longer focusing on which direction he was moving to.  
By the time he realised he’d ended up significantly further than any part of the Castle he was used to, he’d looked up to find a familiar pair of golden door handles in front of him, a wide door slightly creaked open.

 _The library._  
He smiled at the remembrance of the place, the stacks of books comforting to him in an odd sense, and he decided to walk in, find a space to recollect his thoughts at his own pace.

He wasn’t prepared to hear a soft humming from the inside, it’s source twisting his stomach in a tight knot.

_I feel the salty waves come in_  
_I feel them crash against my skin_  
_And I smile as I respire because I know they'll never win_

 

There was a halt in his heartbeat, his blood stilling in remembrance, in the softness of the singing voice, in the tremble he could hear between short pauses.

 

_There's a haze above my TV_  
_That changes everything I see,_  
_maybe if I continue watching I’ll lose the traits that worry me_

 

He remembered. How could he not?

_Can we fast-forward ‘till you go down with me?_

 

That night by the beach, Lance’s fingers strumming chords on his guitar.

 

Keith teasing him, asking him to play something he’d like.  
He remembered Lance’s smile, an equal mischievous glint in his eyes as he whispered, mocked Keith and his music taste before picking up the pace on the guitar strings, playing a tune Keith was far too familiar with.

_…Stop there and let me correct it_  
_I wanna live a life from a new perspective_  
_You come along because I love your face_  
_And I'll admire your expensive taste_  
_And who cares divine intervention_ _I wanna be praised from a new perspective_ __  
But leaving now would be a good idea  
_So catch me up on getting out of here_

 

He remembered the shudder of his back at the voice, remembered his awe, his wonder, him peeking at the ocean in worries that the boy before him was a siren that found its way into his heart, dangled all his wishes in front of him and would wash them away just as fast as they came, let them melt into the sea foam.

It was a clear voice, clear as the water beside him, as the starry sky above him.

_Taking everything for granted but we still respect the time_  
_We move along with some new passion knowing everything is fine_  
_And I would wait and watch the hours fall in a hundred separate lines_  
_But I regain repose and wonder how I ended up inside_

This one was shaky, jagged with puffs and dripping interventions, something preventing it from reaching that crystalline bliss he remembered from back then.

_…I know there's no more that need be said_  
_When I'm inching through your bed_  
_Take a look around instead and watch me go_

He leaned closer to the door as the song went on, trying to put together an image of the singing boy at the back of his mind, yet a peek through the crack revealed nothing, leaving the hum to flow without an embodiment.

_Can we fast-forward till you go down with me?_  
_Can we fast-forward till we go down?_

With the last part of the song coming to an end he pushed the door open, finding courage swirling from the music back into his body.

Yet even with open doors, the boy was no where to be found, no blue eyes for him to look into.

“Oh great, it’s _you_.”

Following the sound he looked up, eyes widening.

Lance was perched atop one of the libraries of the first floor, his legs dangling in the air as he sat on it’s highest shelf, so far off the ground Keith wondered how he got there in the first place.

Then came the smoke.  
A look to Lance’s side revealed a laminar string of smoke seeping through, raising the hairs on Keith’s arms. What was that? What was going on?!

“Lance what are you-“  
He walked closer, getting a better view of the boy.

Lance peeked down, allowing Keith a view to his parted lips, a cigarette loosely held between them.

“You-what are you doing?!”

“Practicing jet-pack flying. What do you _think_ I’m doing?” he remarked, the snark in his voice stinging Keith’s neck.

“You know what I mean Lance. What are you doing _here?_ _Smoking_?!”

Lance scoffed, waving a hand loosely.  
“Relax space boy. I’m sitting next to a vent so the smoke’s carried away.” he mumbled around the cigarette, nodding to the ventilator by his side, “Wouldn’t want a false alarm to rouse our princess now would we?” 

He tapped a hand on his chin, taking the cigarette on the other after taking another puff. “Then again who knows if Alteans have fire alarms. Better not risk it though right?”

“No Lance, just-“ he exasperated, pushing a hand through his hair.  
Another look towards him found the tan boy’s grin faltering, his gaze averting from Keith with a profound bitterness. It cut Keith to the core every time he took notice of it.

With a shaky breath he made to climb up the shelves, giving himself a final push once he reached the top of the marble structure to kneel besides Lance, glaring at him as he did.

He noticed the boy’s body inch away from him, yet before he could move a single muscle further, Keith brought his hand to his lips, letting his fingers linger for a moment, let himself feel the softness, the small gasp, the widening of Lance’s eyes.

It was all gone the moment he ripped the cigarette out of his lips, butting it out vigorously on the pristine shelf, not caring for the black churn forming stark onto its’ clear white.

“Hey! That was my last cigarette you asshole! Do you realise how impossible it is to get a new box in _space_?!”

Lance’s glare was furious, his hands folded over his chest in a protective manner.

“Good. Then maybe you’ll stop hurting yourself with those.” he huffed, glaring back until Lance turned his head away in defeat.

“Nothing hurts like the way you hurt me.”

It was a small, quiet voice that managed to shatter his heart further, dipping his head underwater and urging him to breathe in the salt of the sea, let him choke on his own feelings.

Lance refused to face him, swiftly bringing his body off of the library with a jump, making his way away from the room with slumped shoulders.

He rushed behind him a moment later, yelling, begging him to stop.  
He didn’t.

He rushed, took a hold of his wrist and tugged, urging the taller boy to just _stay_ , just _listen to him._

“Lance please. Please just…just look at me.”

The silence, the hunched back he was facing, the cold tinge of the hand he took a hold of-it all hurt, it wavered the warmth that had built in his chest, letting the fire burn out to small embers ready to die out at any minute.

“Lance I’m-I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I never meant for this, for _all_ of this to happen.”  
He held on tighter, wishing the tears on his face wouldn’t put out the last of the flame beneath his ribs.

“I never meant to hurt you. I never did, never would. I’m sorry.”  
 His head shot up when he noticed movement ahead of him, Lance’s body slightly turning, leaning closer.

If he took one more step he’d be able to pull him into an embrace, blissfully drown in the comfort of his ocean scent, pretend none of this ever happened, pretend they never hurt each other.  
Pretend everything was alright again.

“You really mean it don’t you?”

He nodded, hoping Lance would notice the sincerity on his face, yet the boy refused to look him in the eye, lift his gaze off the floor.

“Perhaps you do.”  
He peeked up at that, bringing the last slam of a hammer over Keith’s heart.

The smile lacing his face was the sole thing Keith never wanted to see, could never _bear_ to see. It was so weak, so tired, so..  
..so broken.

“Maybe you are sorry. But does that change anything?”

His hold on Lance’s wrist loosened, completely releasing him from his grasp.  
_Does that change anything?_  
_Will anything ever change between us?_  
_Are we far more broken than we ever thought we were?_

He looked up, finding himself alone, his fire long died out, replaced with protruding glaciers gnawing and tearing at his skin.

_Does that change anything?_

The answer rang in the empty hollows of the room, in the still of the air.

Nothing could ever be the same again.

 

******

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This got done much later than I expected it to...  
> Sorry that it's so short, this past week in uni was hectic and it'll only get worse from now on hahah. Will still try to keep up with the weekly updates however! 
> 
> Also, for my fellow die-hard P!ATD fans, I know that the original lyric is 'Can we fast forward 'till you go down on me' bUT I felt it more appropriate to say '...we go down' because it seemed to fit the plot better? Feel free to think of it as Lance's interpretation! The moment I heard the song I thought 'this is definitely some Klance material right there' lol, and you can imagine Keith's excitement that his boyfriend knew Panic at the Disco (and not the really mainstream songs either~)
> 
> As always, kudos/comments are very much appreciated and make me the happiest burrito lol~  
> If you'd like to contact me/send a prompt/talk about the planets NASA discovered (aka where I'm moving next), my tumblr is: dontmindme-imafangirl.tumblr.com
> 
> See you at the next chapter! :)


	9. Tidal Shifts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a change in Keith, a change that's left Lance in a confused frenzy.
> 
> Neither knows where that change will lead them.

******

Lance was starting to notice it.   
He noticed a pattern, a change if you will, in Keith’s behaviour.

He dated the change to be right after their conversation back at the library, the dejection rolling off in waves from Keith, the boy being more quiet and distant than usual for some days after.

If Lance felt any guilt over it, he didn’t let is show, carrying on his own act of cheerfulness with delicate caution, refusing to let the layers of thick skin he’d built to come crashing down with just a look from Keith’s sad eyes.

Yet as soon as that dejection came by it left, Keith’s attitude completely turning around just the next day. 

He was suddenly more active, more alert, more… _sociable_ , as odd and out of place as it seemed.   
Keith would laze around with Pidge while she talked to him about her computer and tinkering and machinery, he’d ask Hunk if he needed any help with the Castle maintenance, would spend more time with Coran even, letting the older man rumble on.   
Lance had even seen the boy sit by Allura on some days, the two lost in their own small conversations, only twisting Lance’s gut further at the sight.  
Sometimes he’d catch him slouched away with Shiro, huddled in close as Keith laughed at something his friend had said, the loud huffs of laughter echoing around the Castle’s walls and off of Lance’s battered ribcage.

It took some time until that change affected Lance as well, a few days until Keith’s courage lead him to try and be more social with Lance, despite having each of his tries shot down instantly.  
Suddenly, Keith would be around anywhere Lance went, trying far too hard to seem inconspicuous about it all, as if it had never been his intention to catch Lance on his way to the training deck or the control room or the library, leaning by a wall in the corridors and whistling a tune with crossed arms, lying through his teeth whenever Lance walked past and Keith uttered a clumsy ‘Hey Lance! Didn’t see you there.’

Most of the time Lance was lucky; usually Hunk or Pidge would be walking along with him, making ti easier to deflect the forced conversations onto them whilst he made a run for it. Other times he’d simply glare at the boy and leave before he could say another word, unable to deal with what he deemed as mockery any longer.

When Keith realised that trying to corner Lance wouldn’t work, his tactics changed.  
All of a sudden he’d find his way by Lance’s side during briefings, sit beside him at the dining room or offer to be his sparring partner, ignoring the glares and groans he received from the taller boy overtime he did.

The oddest change of all, however, was the lack of snark in Keith’s words, the lack of agitation. Lance would throw a million insults his way, mean words ready to defend him from the boy’s antics, only to be met with pure silence, Keith taking no bite to his words and carrying on with the friendly facade.

What was he after? Did he want to add insult to injury? Was tearing Lance’s heart to shreds not enough for him?

Lance’s head was spinning with a million questions per second, and no answers in sight. There was no logical explanation his mind could offer for the bizarre change in Keith, no solution to put him at ease. There were thoughts and possibilities keeping him awake for most of their augmented night, memories flooding back with each of Keith’s smiles and gentle gestures that Lance wanted nothing more than to just lock away and throw out into the deepest ocean he could find.

He couldn’t stand Keith’s change, Keith’s smile.  
He couldn’t stand it because it reminded him of everything he’d lost and it hurt, it hurt too much to remember, hurt too much to look at the person that once meant the world to him to find they were no longer _his_.

It hurt, and Lance didn’t know how much longer he could stand to silently observe the change without letting his lungs fill with memories laced with sea-salt. He didn’t know how much longer he’d be able to keep breathing until the ocean choked him.

*****

It all became too much when a week later, while he was walking back to his room, he found _him_ , nestled outside his bedroom’s door, nonchalantly leaning by the door with his arms folded over his chest, head leaning down and eyes shut, posing long lashes and a profound vulnerability.

He shook at the sound of Lance’s footsteps, straightening and grinning a half-looped smile before realising how eager his expression seemed, leaning back over the wall with a falsely cool facade.

“Lance! Hey!”

He payed him no mind except for a bitter glare, ready to open the door to his room and barricade himself in it until Keith spoke up again.

“Training was hell right? What-uh, what are you gonna do now? I mean, after training. Which is now. I mean-“

“What.”

Keith turned to him with a confused smile still stuck on his lips, uncertain wether the croak from Lance’s throat was a question or a threat.

“What the _hell_ do you want?”

There were a million feelings flooding his chest, and he wasn’t sure which one to pay mind to first. All he knew was that he didn’t want to, _couldn’t_ let this go on any longer. Each grain of his sanity was slowly being lost and he knew sooner than later he’d never be able to recover a single one of them.

“Lance I-“

He clicked his tongue and turned to the shorter boy, all but cowering Keith into the wall, bringing a hand to hold the front of his shirt in a tight fist.

“What the _hell_ do you want from me Keith? Haven’t you had enough? Haven’t you _done_ enough? What else do you want?” he tightened his grip on his shirt, ignoring the paleness of his knuckles at the grip, the way his fist ached and trembled.

“Just tell me what the hell you want and then leave me _alone._ ”

There was a moment of silence, their heaving breaths the only sound in the lengthy corridor, Keith’s eyes calculating, gazing at Lance with an odd precaution.

“I..I want a do-over.”

Lance stared, letting the words ring through his ears.

“I thought a lot about it. About us. After what happened at the library.” Keith started, ignoring the fist still plunged onto his shirt, “And I realise you’re right. Things won’t ever be the same again. We can’t go back to what we had.”

Keith looked up, a new graveness in his gaze.

“I thought about it and…I wanted to ask you for a do-over. To restart… _this_ I wanted to make amends for what happened. Start anew.” he said, nodding his head to the space between them.

He felt his eyes widen, shaky breath escaping his lips.

“You want a do-over.”  
Keith nodded.

“To just forget the past? Ignore that summer?”

Keith nodded again.

This was it, wasn’t it.   
Lance’s heart would’ve dropped to the floor and shattered on the spot, had it not done so already one too many times.

He wanted a do-over. Of course.  
Because he never cared much for that summer anyway. Because he never cared much for Lance. He could forget that summer, those nights, their laughs, his touch, the marks deeply engraved on each other.  
Keith could go ahead and forget the way the crinkles by his eyes gave Lance’s stomach a run for its money, he could forget how he’d hold him by the waist and pull him close, could forget their goodnight kisses and good-morning ‘I love you’s, he could forget the way he fit his lips over his and the world seemed to stop turning.

He could forget all that.  
But Lance couldn’t.

Lance would never be able to forget the way Keith’s neck smelt like wood and cinnamon, how he’d turn to look at him with those damn dark purple eyes that lit up like newborn nebulas. How could he forget the way he’d hold him and suddenly his brain and heart would for once align and whisper _This is it. This is your person. Don’t let him go._ , how could he forget the way he’d kiss his forehead, touch him as if he was fragile then whisper stories to him about bright moons and travelling stars? 

He couldn't forget.  
No, he couldn’t, he _wouldn’t_ ever forget, even if the memories killed him, even if each reminder plunged a knife deeper into his chest.  
He wouldn’t forget.   
He owed himself that much.

Fighting back choked tears he let go of the hem of Keith’s shirt, turning on the heel of his foot and squaring his shoulders.

One moment of composure. That’s all he needed. Just one more moment.

“Alright then. A do-over it is.”

He thought there was no more heart left in him to break.

That day, he discovered how wrong he was.

*****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm posting this later than intended, sorry TuT got really caught up with uni work *sigh*
> 
> Either way, things are starting to get angstier! I hope you guys look forward to that ^^  
> Also, wanted to say a big thanks for all the support, both on this fic and my small one-shots! You guys have no idea how happy each like and comment make me, it really really means a lot. Thank you <3
> 
> As always, if you'd like to contact me/send a prompt/just talk about space and aliens (and our fave space nerds, ofc), my tumblr's dontmindme-imafangirl.tumblr.com
> 
> See you at the next update!


	10. Silence and smoke

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a newly-found silence finding its way in the Castle, the eery quietness deafening to Keith.  
> He wonders what the cause of it could be.

*****  
There was a newly found spring in his step, a lightness he hadn’t felt in a long time.

Keith felt…resolved, like a burden had been lifted. He knew things were far from perfect, but just knowing he had taken a step in the right direction brought a rapid thump to his chest, a small smile to his lips.

He figured that Lance agreeing to start things over with him meant that they’d finally be able to start anew, for him to finally show Lance the person he’d grown into, prove that he won’t hurt him again like he had before.   
He only hoped Lance would also take this as a chance to put the bitterness and harsh words behind as well.

The next few days passed quietly, almost too quietly for Keith.

Things around the Castle were…weird, for a lack of better words.  
He attributed that to one single person, the one whose voice always boomed through each corridor.

Lance was oddly quiet, to the point of even worrying Hunk, the soft-eyed boy stealing glances at his friend during practices, bringing a hand to his shoulder between short breaks. Lance would turn and look at him, then brush it off, laughing and moving along his work.

It’s not like he was ignoring anyone or brooding over anything either. No, the boy was as cheerful as he usually was, throwing winks at Allura’s way which would make her sigh and shake her head, would prop his elbows over Pidge’s head, making their short friend angry, would even stop and talk with Shiro, his whole demeanour reminding Keith more of a kid meeting their idol than two friends talking.

No, it’s not the cheer that was missing.  
It was the loud, competitive arguments between him and Lance that were gone, the insults thrown each other’s way, hard words and glares now diminished into nothingness.

It should’ve made Keith feel better, knowing that they could finally start being _civil_ to each other at least.  
Yet the profound silence only worked its way into his stomach, settling there like a rock.

Lance wouldn’t really approach Keith unless absolutely necessary, and even then he’d smile a smile that never quite felt sincere, avoiding Keith’s gaze as much as possible.   
His voice would become quieter, a sound he’d never heard before coming from the tan boy, his words short and crude before he found an excuse to leave.

He tried asking Hunk about it, wether everything was alright, but he just shook his head, insisting he knew as much as Keith did. He saw Pidge stare at them with a puzzling look, but didn’t think to elaborate on it, the confusion hazing his logic.

It was on a rather lazy day, Allura surprisingly letting them off the hook and giving them a 'day off' that Keith found his way back to the library Hunk had shown him, eager to find a place to just reflect and recollect his thoughts, now that the training room was off-limits for the day.

He entered the marble-lined room, taking in the place in awe. No matter how many times he visited it, he still found it hard to believe that such a place existed in the Castle.

With slow steps he stood across one of the bookshelves, running his fingers over the spines of countless books, realising he understood not a single word of what was written on their covers.  
He made a mental note to eventually ask Coran to teach him Altean and sighed. 

As much as he never thought he’d feel this, he missed Earth. He missed his shack, the quietness of it all, spending nights with a book and the moonlight. What he wouldn’t give for a decent Stephen King novel right then.

“Oh. You’re here too huh?”

He turned around, meeting a disappointed gaze.

“Lance.”

The taller boy nodded, his hands hidden into the pockets of his jacket, head cowered. 

Everything felt off. The knot in his stomach refused to settle, making him aware of how uncomfortable this situation was.   
Why was Lance still so cautious, even after all the apologies Keith gave him? What more did he need to do before he accepted him?

Lance walked past Keith, eyeing the books on the shelf with a small smile.

“Sucks that everything is in Altean huh?” he grinned, nodding to the books, “I’d give totally give my right arm for a good Stephen King novel right now.”

There was a surge of feelings in his gut and he didn’t know which to address first. His mind clouded, uncertain of everything and anything.

What more did he have to do? Why did everything, even after giving it his all, still feel so off? What else _could_ he do before the person he loved finally, _finally_ held his eye at the very least?

“Lance please, don’t fake it.” he looked up, hoping he could convey every word left unsaid through his gaze, even if Lance refused to meet it.

“Fake what?” he shrugged, still fixated onto the books in front of them, his shoulder tensing.

“You know what. If there’s something wrong, something you wanna go over with-with me, just…just tell me. Don’t just give me the cold shoulder.” he leaned in, hoping to catch Lance’s attention, “It hurts too much when you do that.”  
He thought back to the days in the Garrison, how Lance had shut him off without even giving him a chance to try, to make things better.  
This hurt more than it did back then.

Having the person he cherished look at him yet not really see him hurt, straining each breath he took. He’d much rather take anger, confusion, Lance screaming profanities at him-hurtful yet sincere, over the masked politeness and the hollow eyes.

“Just…just tell me what’s wrong? Please Lance.” he urged when the boy stayed silent, gaze flicking down with a small twitch of his eyelids.

“Keith…now now.”

“But-“

Lance looked up to him at that, a bitter smile on his face.

“Please. Just, let it go okay? I’ll get better. Just, give me some time.”

He wanted to ask a million things, shake Lance’s shoulders, make him tell him _what_ it was that pushed that sad expression onto his face. He wanted to hug it better, kiss it better if he could, find a way to heal his own wounds in the process, yet the sound of a blazing alarm halted them both.

They gave each other a curt nod, knowing that even if they wanted to, this conversation would have to be cut short. Their duties had a priority.

The knot in Keith’s stomach hadn’t settled in the least.  
If anything, he only wondered if it ever would.

*******

“So you’re telling me you think _she_ is a…lion…goddess?” he asked, squinting at the shorter aliens gathered around him.

“She is the one that controls the mighty Lion Angel. She must be the One-our bravest godess!” one of the smaller aliens replied, a small pink thing with big hazel eyes and four arms outstretched to emphasise their point.

Keith snorted, observing the scene from a distance.   
Lance and Hunk were all but _ecstatic_ when the small Arusian found its way to the Castle, informing them of its village and their worshipping of Allura. He wondered if they’d still hold her at the level of a god, had they spent one day with her in a training room.

“Something funny, Paladin?”

“A-Allura! No. Nothing. I-definitely not sir. I mean ma’am. I mean-“

She laughed, leaning onto a tree besides Keith, her hands meeting behind her back.

“At ease Keith. There’s no need for formalities by now.” she smiled at him, cocking her head his way.

Keith shrugged.   
“Sorry. It’s a habit from the days back at the Garrison.”

She moved to lean her head onto the tree, shutting her eyes for a moment.

“I understand. I remember what long titles we had to use to address other royalty back at Altea. Coran would urge me to talk more and I’d refuse because I forgot how to address the person he’d want me to talk to!”

Keith laughed along with her, before shifting his attention back to the Arusians interacting with the other Paladins.

There was a comfortable silence between them, both happy to stay out of the centre of attention.

“How are you holding up Keith?” she asked after a while of silence, catching the boy offguard.

How _was_ he holding up? He wondered that himself.

“I’m…alright.”

She stared, waiting for him to elaborate.

Keith sighed in defeat, knowing he wouldn’t leave this spot before Allura heard what she wanted.

“I’m trying to be alright. It’s…kind of hard. This whole situation is confusing, to say the least. We’re all just trying to adapt.”

She nodded understandingly, giving him a fond smile.

“I understand. I’m sorry I’ve been pushing you all so much as well. Suddenly ending up on an entirely different galaxy and presented with the task of protecting the whole universe must be challenging.”

Keith said nothing, realising there was more to what Allura was saying.

“I just need you to understand the graveness of the situation we’re in. If we don’t do our best to protect the universe and help those in need, more and more planets will be destroyed or occupied by Garla, until nothing is left, just like-“   
She stopped, wincing at the unspoken words.

_Just like Altea._

Neither of them said anything, letting the words mull over their heads.

“I just don’t want any other planet to share the same fate as mine has. Not if there’s even a minuscule chance I can prevent it.”

Keith looked at her, finding a new side to the princess.

Despite her tough act and cool front, despite every order she barked their way, she was just as vulnerable, just as scared as the rest of them. Royalty or not, she was also just a young, scared person, one that has lost the only home she’s ever known, the family she loved, everything she knew, only to wake up in an entirely different reality, one where she’s suddenly carrying the burden of the entire universe on her shoulders.

He turned to fully face her, bringing a hand to her shoulder.  
“It won’t happen Allura. We’ll all do our best to help in any way possible. I promise.”

He tried to give her the most honest smile he could master, hoping to convey it to her.   
It seemed to work as she smiled back, meeting the hand on her shoulder.

They were all scared, vulnerable. Putting on a tough act.  
He just wished they could become more honest with each other.  
He wished he could be more honest with himself too.

Allura was about to say something back to him, the light-heartened glow returning to her eyes, before a loud crashing noise interrupted them, turning everyone’s attention to a cloud of thick smoke in the distance.

That was smoke from a craft crash. There was nothing else it could be.  
Then that meant..

“Shiro! Pidge!”  
******

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you tell I'm really bad with titles yet or? ;u;
> 
> Sorry it took so long to post this, and that it's so short! This week has been crazy with work from uni, my parents visiting for easter holidays, and trying to balance social life & studying (and miserably failing if I may add TuT)
> 
> The next chapter will come very soon, but with exam season slowly but surely coming close, my update speed might decrease. Hope you understand! ;u;
> 
> Also I didn't really proofread/edit this, so please forgive any syntax/grammar errors <3 
> 
> As always, kudos/comments are really highly appreciated! :D  
> If you'd like to contact me/talk about gays in space, my tumblr's dontmindme-imafangirl.tumblr.com
> 
> P.S: With all the drama going on in the fandom (which I'm very much trying to stay out of btw), I just want you guys to know, I genially and sincerely love Allura. She's a badass princess and I adore her k? Also she'd totally be awesome friends with Keith. Like, I think it's a common broship with Lance, but come on. Keith dissing people with her and hearing her tell him about the latest gossip in the Castle? YES PLEASE.
> 
> P.S.2: Because of my workload with classes at uni right now, I'm currently NOT taking prompts, as much as I wish I could. Will be taking them again sometime in June/end of May though! Thank you to anyone that has sent me any, and to those I haven't gotten to yet, I will soon! <3


	11. Let me come home.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Home isn't a place.  
> Home is a person.
> 
> Keith wonders if he's lost the sole home he'd ever had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick notice!  
> If you see any dialogue in _italics_ , it means it's not spoken in English, but in the Paladin's respective language! (Will be mentioned in the chapter~)
> 
> Sorry for any confusion! Hope you enjoy :)

****

 

“Dude. Dude. That was _awesome_!!”

Lance smirked and bumped Hunk’s shoulder with his, the metal of their paladin armour clanking with each other.

“Bro. I know. We were epic!”

There was a relief washing over them all, the adrenaline of a mission well-done slowly fading to give way to the tiredness and the aching of their muscles.

Knowing their friends were alright and that the robotic monster that had almost destroyed them had been defeated, had drained all the energy out of them all, making the Paladins want nothing more than to rest and forget the day had ever happened.

Except for Lance and Hunk, that is.  
The two kept on talking about how everything felt, how they did, Lance bragging about his _awesome piloting skills_ whilst Hunk squealed about the engineering of their Lions, even the robot they just defeated, the adrenaline evidently still seeping through both of them.

 

Shiro stared, raising an eyebrow at the two.  
“Are you two speaking Spanish?”

The two boys had carried on their conversation animatedly, momentarily forgetting that no-one else from their group could understand them until Shiro interrupted them with a curious smile.

“That’s not it is it? You guys were talking Portuguese.”

They both stared at Pidge, the small genius’s hands folded on their chest.

“How did you-“ Hunk started, before Lance interrupted him.

“Yeah! This big guy is actually Portuguese!” he grinned, excited that someone else understood them.

“I took a few online classes in high-school. Wanted a new language to learn and had already mastered Greek and Italian so…” Pidge shrugged, as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

Hunk smiled fondly at their shorter friend, leaning down and talking to them in Portuguese, slow clear voice to help them out. 

His smile when Pidge replied, in a somewhat weird accent but otherwise correct Portuguese, made the whole team grin, the fondness in the big boy’s eyes a sight for sore eyes.

He started talking more animatedly with Pidge, Lance oftentimes intervening with an odd mixture of Spanish and Portuguese, eliciting a confused stare from Pidge before Hunk explained it for them and carried on the conversation.

“So Hunk was from Portugal then moved to Spain, but Lance, what about you?” Shiro asked after a while of them talking, not minding that he didn’t understand much of their conversation-he was just happy to see his friends enjoying themselves and showing excitement that suited their ages rather than the grim expressions they wore earlier in the day.

“Ah my dad’s Cuban and my mom’s Spanish-but I pretty much grew up with Hunk so talked Portuguese with him” he offered, Shiro nodding along.

Keith tried to stay out of the conversation, almost ready to be lulled to sleep by his friends voices and the tiredness of the day.

“Shiro what about you?” Lance’s interest piqued, moving to sit by Shiro on the lounge room’s sofa.

“What about me?” he asked.

“Do you speak any other languages?”

He laughed, knowing where this conversation would head to.

“I speak some Japanese actually. Not much though-I was born in Japan but moved to the U.S when I was a baby. My parents just tried to speak english and japanese to me as a kid.”

The three of them eyed him curiously, small grins on their faces.

He sighed, a smile still on his lips, and started talking the few Japanese phrases he remembered, small things like _“Hello, how are you?”_ and _“Today was a nice day.”,_ as ironic as it felt in the situation-after all, they _did_ just return to the Castle after fighting a massive robotic monster sent by Garla to annihilate them all.

“That’s so cool!” Lance squealed, his eyes wide.

“Not at all. I don’t remember much of it anyway.” Shiro smiled, before nodding Keith’s way, the boy happily ignoring the rest of them, “Keith should be more fun-he speaks fluent Korean.”

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU SPEAK FLUENT KOREAN?!” 

To Keith’s surprise, it was Lance who all but jumped over the couch and landed to his side, a profound curiosity in his gaze.

Keith was taken aback for a second before sighing, leaning his head to the back of the couch.

“It’s not like I’m a native speaker or anything. I was born and raised in the USA as well too, but my dad tried teaching them to me as a kid.”

He had four pairs of eyes staring at him, suddenly feeling a flush to his cheeks.  
He knew they wouldn’t budge unless he said something, so he complied with another sigh.

_“Hello.”_ He muttered, avoiding their gazes.

They all leaned closer, not satisfied with just one word.

He gulped and looked away, knowing what he was about to say would be far more embarrassing.

_“I…thank you, for everything. I’m glad that despite the situation we’re all in, we’re in it together. And I’m sorry if I’m a bit of a dick sometimes. And..”_ he looked to Lance, the boy staring at him with a curious awe, _“I’m sorry to you too. I hope you one day understand I honestly mean this. I wish things between us had taken an entirely different turn than this.”_

There was a deafening silence, the heat of the moment catching up with him in a dizzying frenzy. He only wished no one from their group actually understood Korean and didn’t let him know before-hand.

“Man that was a _long_ sentence.” Hunk mumbled, first to lean back and give him some private space, “What does it mean anyway?”

They all eventually dispersed, their attention still on Keith.

“It’s-it’s not just one sentence. And it’s nothing much really, just some usual phrases.” he lied through gritted teeth, not noticing the sly smirk Shiro send his way.

“Anyway! Let’s all go and get some rest. Allura said we’re hosting a party for the Arusians tonight.” Keith hopped off the couch as if it was on fire, stilling the anxiety building up in his chest.

They all nodded in agreement, each going their separate way. Only Shiro remained, walking the same way as Keith did down the corridor leading to their rooms, the other paladins heading to either the showers or other areas entirely.

“You know”, Shiro started, lightly jabbing his elbow to Keith’s ribs, “my mom spoke some Korean. Never taught me much, but just enough.”

Keith halted, leaving Shiro to take a few steps ahead before he turned to him with a soft smile.

“You should be honest more often Keith. Preferably in a language we can all understand.” He said, the implications in his words evident.

“That, or we should all just start some weekly language classes” he teased, putting his arms behind his neck and walking ahead, “Mondays can be Spanish, Tuesdays Portuguese, Thursdays Korean and Fridays Japanese. Maybe have some special Greek classes from Pidge on the weekends?”

He laughed when Keith chased after him, bringing a leg to kick his butt.

“You _asshole!_ ” Keith yelled, letting his shouts and Shiro’s laughs echo along the corridors “You massive anime-haired _ass_! You knew!”

Shiro tried to escape Keith’s fury.  
Tried was the key word, before he found himself tackled to the ground by an angry mop of black hair.

*****  
The party that night was oddly enough, successful.

There was an overall calm atmosphere, Hunk and Lance cooing over the Arusians, Lance making promises to knit them all sweaters and scarves when he got the time to, whilst Pidge walked around, a suspicious look on their face that looked more and more odd with each step they took.  
Keith shook his head, figuring it was just his tiredness playing tricks on his eyes. 

Even Coran and Allura seemed more relaxed, the princess making small talk with the leader of the Arusians, whilst Coran chatted with Shiro in the far distance, sipping some of the strong bitter liquid he had called ‘nunvill’. 

Keith wished its taste would at least somewhat resemble earthly alcohol.  
With a small sip he disappointingly discovered it didn’t.

He took notice of Hunk and Lance across the great room of the castle, Lance nursing a massive cup of what must’ve been nunvill, and in the liquid courage the bitter drink had given him, marched over to the two, ready to warn them to not even try the hellish drink.

 

He took notice of the change of expressions on Lance’s face when the blue Paladin took notice of him, a momentary flash of wide eyes before he schooled his expression back to something more neutral, returning to his conversation with Hunk with a smile.

“I mean _how_. How did an Altean wake up one day and say ‘You know what’s a nice idea, creating _this_ and drinking it!’” Lance mocked, swishing his cup of nunvil around, “I swear, this? This _must_ be what bleach tastes like.” he settled with a huff.

Hunk eagerly nodded, before taking notice of Keith, making way for him to enter their conversation.

“Keith! We were just talking about _this_ ” he nodded down to his drink, “this monstrosity.”

 

“I was actually heading over to tell you guys to not even try it-I think I killed some brain cells in the process.” he offered with a shrug.

Hunk laughed again, spilling drops from his cup from the shake of his shoulders.  
“Might as well get used to it-this is probably the space equivalent of tequila.”

 

Lance groaned at that, tilting his head back with shut eyes. 

"Ah man, I _miss_ tequila."

"Careful not to let Shiro hear you", Hunk snickered, "By USA laws we're still not at drinking age."

Keith grinned along, fully laughing at the sour look Lance threw his best friend. 

"We're in _space_ Hunk. You know what law doesn't abide in space? The LEGAL DRINKING AGE OF ANYPLACE."   
The boys shushed him, noticing the look Shiro sent their way from the far distance, evidently hearing Lance's yell. 

"All jokes aside", Lance sighed, looking down and away from the other two, "I miss good drinks. And malls. Do you think space malls are a thing?"

"Even if they are I don't think they'll sell what you want Lance" Hunk offered, nudging his mellowed out friends's shoulder. 

"Look all I'm saying is, we're in a universe with no real start or end. Is it truly _impossible_ for me to find a decent NARS foundation and primer? Is it? I miss my makeup products."

Hunk nodded along, folding his arms.   
"I hear you, I miss my other bandanas. Especially that orange one."

"I miss decent food too. What the hell's up with that green jello goo?!" Lance croaked, his face flush from the alien alcohol. 

Hunk gripped his shoulders at that, shaking him as he spoke.   
"Dude I know! I miss food. I miss my mom’s _Bolinho de bacalhau_ “

“Oh man, that cod one! Yeah, I miss that too.” Lance sighed.

“I miss the beach.” they said in unison, smiling softly at each other.

Keith observed their conversation, not willing to interfere. He knew the two were as homesick as they could get, and having each other there to support one another must’ve meant a lot more than either could express.

It’s not that Keith wasn’t homesick per se-he missed the quietness of his shack, the soft sound of summer rain hitting the windows, hell, he even missed cold air, the constant temperature of the Castle and humidity of the planet outside almost suffocating to the boy.

Keith was homesick. He just didn’t have a home to return to like the other paladins did.  
He had Shiro, and was thankful he had his friend there with him, knowing that he was alright and well. It was more than enough for him, and having the one person he considered family there meant he had no real reason to go back to earth. 

_Besides…_ he thought as he looked to Lance with a soft smile, before reality struck him and he shook his head. 

_No. No, there is no home to return to there._

He shifted his attention back to the conversation the two boys had gotten lost in, shocked to find he couldn’t understand a single word of what was being said.

In their alcohol-induced chat and excitement for listing off what they miss, the two slipped into an odd mixture of english with what Keith thought to be Spanish, though now knew could just as well be Portuguese.

Not wanting to cut them off he walked away, deciding to go see how the space drink was affecting Shiro instead. That’d be a fun sight.

He ignored the jab in his chest when he remembered the thoughts that swallowed him whole a moment ago.

_There’s no home to return to. Not anymore._

 

****

_“I miss those house parties we kept going to before we graduated high school. Man that was the best summer ever!”_

_“Do you remember our graduation party?”_ Hunk grinned, his smirk matching Lance’s, _“That was the best party we ever had. Ever.”_

_“We said we won’t talk about that no more!”_ Lance laughed at the memories surging back to him, tears forming at the corners of his eyes, _“But yeah, that was awesome. I kind of miss high school though. Hell, I miss the Garrison at this point.”_

Hunk hummed in agreement, taking another sip of his nunvill despite the bitter taste.

_“I miss summer. Just, long days, camping out at the beach. Surfing.”_

“Yeah”, Lance sighed, focusing his gaze on his now empty cup, the bitter taste long gone as he grown accustomed to it, _“I miss summer too.”_

Hunk turned to Lance after the boy broke an especially long pause, the two cradling their homesickness closer with each resurgent memory.

_“I miss..I miss the good times. Those summers back in high school. Before…”_ he waved his hand and Hunk’s expression dropped. He knew what Lance meant. He always did.

_“Before all this.”_  
Lance nodded, looking away from Hunk and to the other side of the room with a soft expression.

_“I miss him too Hunk. He’s right there but..I miss him.”_

 

He didn’t have to turn and look to realise who Lance was talking about, yet with a turn of his head he saw Keith, the boy laughing at a bemused Shiros’ face.

Hunk never realised when their language slipped from Portuguese to Spanish, but he knew the pained words meant all the more to Lance when they came from him in his native language. It hurt. How could it not when the person you love is so close yet you can’t reach out to them?

He wished there was something he could do, some way to just smack some sense into the two, but he knew that would be futile. So long as they were both only paying mind to their own wounds, they’d never be able to actually look to each other, figure out how to move forward.

Lance sighed after a moment, bringing his palm to the bridge of his nose. 

“I’m sorry man, I’m gonna head off and clear my head. This space-bleach-thing started getting to me.”  
“Want me to come along?” Hunk asked worriedly.  
“Nah nah, it’s cool, you stay down here and enjoy the party, I’ll be back soon” Lance smiled, and as soon as he said that he was gone, all but stumbling over the stairs.

Hunk noticed how Keith just stared but made no attempt to go after him.  
He wasn’t sure if that was for better or for worse.

 

****

Lance was trying.

No, that was an understatement.

Lance was doing his _damn best_.

After the day Keith walked up to him, asking for a ‘do-over’ as if their relationship could just be reset with the click of a button, even if it hurt he tried.   
He’d bite back bitter insults, fight the urge to flee, to yell, to throw his fists to Keith’s chest and just ask him _why_ , why he thought they could just ignore what they had, why he could move on when Lance was still _stuck here_ , trying to close open wounds with nothing but a band-aid whilst Keith had found a way to heal himself.

Perhaps Keith just didn’t care. Perhaps Lance never meant all that much to him.

Perhaps Keith never saw Lance as his person, as a home to return to.

Lance was trying.   
He tried to be what Keith wanted to see, what everyone wanted him to be.

It just felt like it was never enough.  
Like he was never enough.

Unsteady feet guided him towards a steady blue glow at the bridge of the Castle, eyeing it with a lazy curiosity.

With the nunvlil flowing through his bloodstream he couldn’t do much as to ponder on what the massive blue rock with blue glow was, noticing it’s fierce gleam upon closer inspection. Instead, he chose to sit beneath it, close his eyes and wish for the pulsing glow to take him back to better times.

He missed home.   
Missed the comfort of his mom’s hugs, missed picking up his baby sister and twirling her around while she squealed, missed his little brother’s nagging, asking him to teach him how to put make-up on with a wide grin.

He missed the easy lazy days with Hunk, when they’d sit by the beach until it was time to meet with other friends and they’d just talk about anything and everything, the easiness that came with a friendship of over a decade now evident in their strong bond. Hunk knew him like the back of his hand, as did Lance know him.

He missed-he missed Keith.  
The thought itself hurt. 

Missing his home, his family, friends-that was normal. That was something he couldn’t return to, not right now, perhaps not ever. It left a bitter tinge in his mouth, admitting it to himself, but it was evidently true. 

Missing a person who was right _there_ yet further away than the next galaxy; that hurt in an entirely different way. 

“Mind if I join ‘ya?”

With his mind fogged up with thoughts, he never heard the footsteps approaching him, not until Coran stood by his side, a gentle smiled hidden under his moustache.

 

Lance said nothing, but scooted over to make space for Coran to sit beside him, plopping down with a huff.

“I see you discovered our power engine.”  
“What, this thing?” Lance nudged at the crystal behind him, careful not to touch it-the last thing he’d currently needed was to get electrocuted in space.

“Quite fascinating little thing, it is. Can you imagine, a whole crystal like that, powering up a Castle like this!”

Coran carried on, excitement evident in his voice whilst he shook his hands, but Lance soon tuned him out-he appreciated the guy, but the last thing his mind could focus on right now was a lengthy explanation of how a glowing crystal powered a magic alien castle.

“You’re quite troubled right now aren’t you?”

He turned to Coran at that, finding the older man looking to him with a soft expression that made Lance’s gut churn.

He never wanted people to look at him like that. Like he was something to be pitied.

“What, me? Troubled?” he snorted, throwing his hands behind his neck in a fake ease, “Yeah right.”

He noticed Coran shaking his head out of the corner of his eye but said nothing, keeping his shaky grin in place.

“You remind me of myself quite often you know.”

Lance faltered at that, turning to face Coran.

“You seem to think that your feelings aren’t for others to see. That unless you’re making yourself to be the life of the party, you won’t be good enough.” Coran carried on, eyes fixated onto the space between their feet. 

Lance gulped.

“You are a cheerful young kid, that’s for sure, but how much of it is an act and how much of it is real, I wonder?”

He said nothing, even when Coran’s gaze turned to fixate on him.

Eventually the older man sighed and got up, lazily stretching his hands before walking to a panel in front of the crystal and activating it, a blue hologram with Altean letters appearing in front of them.

“It’s not that-“ he started, finding his voice to be more hoarse than he remembered it, more raw with emotions left unsaid.   
“It’s not that I _want_ to put up a front I just-I just don’t know what to do without it. _Who_ I am without it.”

Coran hummed a non-commited sound, his back still turned to Lance.

“I wasn’t always this…cheerful. Hunk said I was the broodiest kid he’d ever met. Then when I realised people liked me more when I was smiling it just kind of, clicked. Acting happy just became a constant.”

“But I assume that changed somewhere down the line?” Corn offered, now typing something onto the hovering panel.

Lance nodded, even if Coran couldn’t see him.  
“I mean, I was genially happy most of the time. Being with Hunk and other friends or with family was good. Flirting was fun too, even if I got rejected most often than not.” he laughed at that, remembering the numerous times he got turned down by people, the feeling more bittersweet than it probably should’ve been.

“And then he came along and, I was seriously convinced I’d entered like, an alternate universe or something. No way life was this good.”

Coran didn’t ask who Lance was talking about, a knowing smile on his lips as he cocked his head to look at the young Paladin, Lance’s eyes shut and smile small as he recalled the memories he’d describe.

“It was kind of like, I don’t even know how to explain it. It felt like everything was kind of pastel-shaded. Like the world felt softer. And anytime he smiled at me I felt my heart stop and he was so good to me-it was so freaking scary.”

“Happiness is oftentimes terrifying”, Coran agreed.

Lance nodded again, eyes wide.

“Everything was so good, it was scary. I knew something would definitely go wrong. But until then I was just…happy. Not faking anything. And then he left and it just-it hurt so _much_.” his voice broke, a small sob falling from his mouth.

Coran winced, still turned away and typing away at the panel, though his focus was solely on the crying boy.

“I miss him Coran. I miss being happy. And I miss my family. And friends. I’m-I don’t want them to know I’m so freaking _weak_ I just-“ he croaked, tears now freely falling, his throat constricting until he could talk no more, settling with shutting his eyes and pushing the hilt of his palms to each eye before a change of scenery caused him to shift and blink with awe.

Coran stretched his hands from the panel, bringing forth a surge of white glowing dots, swirling like fireflies throughout the room, some cluttered together whilst others stretched further away, each varying in size.

It looked like….

“Constellations?”

“Almost”, Coran hummed, now turning to Lance whilst he made the star-like map shift and turn around the room, looking for something with an intense focus. “It’s more of a map of the universe, really. Or at least as much as what we had recorded back in Altea. Who knows how many more stars and planets have been burned since then!” he squealed, but the worry rotting away beneath the surface of his words wasn’t lost on Lance.

He took a moment to really look at Coran, at his tired bright eyes and the wrinkles wrapped around his face.

This was a person whose whole family, everything he knew and held dear, had been swept away without him being able to do anything. A person who had woken up into a reality so much different than he remembered, to a world he had no time to get accustomed to before he had to start fighting, trying his best to keep himself composed whilst trying to save the universe.

A person who, as homesick as he must’ve been, had no home to return to.

“Aha!.”  
Coran beamed at him, holding a cluster of orbs between his outstretched hands, swirling into what could’ve only been a galaxy.

“This is it!” he grinned, pushing the cluster of glow from his hands to perch in front of Lance, who eyed it curiously.

“Is it-“ his eyes widened, threatening to fill with tears again, “Is this the Milky Way?”

Coran nodded, twirling his moustache in his thumb and index finger.  
“What a weird name to give your galaxy. This is it though! In there is your Earth.”

Lance brought shaky hands to cup the hologram, letting his fingers slide through the edges.

“Your home is in there Lance. It’s still there.”

He shivered, blinking away a million thoughts.

Coran had come to kneel in front of him, looking down at the galaxy in Lance’s hands.

“I know it’s hard for you. All of you, really. You were here-“ he nodded to the galaxy, “-one day, and found yourselves in an entirely different galaxy the next, with the burden of protecting the entire universe. It’s scary and hard, of course it is.”

He looked to Lance at that, placing a hand to his knee.

“No one expects you to be _happy_ about this Lance. It’s okay to admit that you’re sad and homesick, and it’s okay to cry about things you miss and people you love. But you know what’s not okay?”

Lance heaved a breath before shaking his head.

“It’s not okay to have the perfect opportunity to set things right, say the things you want to say to someone, and yet not take that chance. You might not ever get to say the things you want to say if you hide it all beneath a mask.”

He paused, letting Lance take the words in.

“You still have a chance to set things right. Don’t lose it Lance.”

_Still have a chance._   
_Don’t lose it._

The words rang through him, building up a small spark of courage he never thought he’d feel.

Lance still had a home. A family. People he’d see again, needed to have _hope_ he’ll see again.

He still had a chance to let his feelings through.  
Even if it hurt, even if he was terrified-He had to set things straight. Let his mask fall. 

Coran seemed to recognise the spark beneath Lance’s eyes because he smiled, patting his knee before leaning away and getting back up, putting his hands on his hips.

“Now, how about some space exploration? We have a whole map full of galaxies to take a look at!” he beamed and Lance couldn’t help but smile back, ignoring how red and blotchy he must’ve looked from crying.

“Yeah” he grinned, “Let’s look at some galaxies.”

****

 

“What do you _mean_ you’re leaving Voltron?!”

The shriek caught his attention, turning to find Allura stare at Pidge with a frazzled look, the green Paladin’s head cowered.

“Look, I get it, it’s important to protect the universe and stuff, but I-“ Pidge choked, turning their head away with a click of their tongue, “I need to find my family. I can’t stay here, knowing they’re somewhere out there and I’m not doing my damn best to find them.”

Keith slowly approached the two, noticing Hunk do the same from across the room.

“But-you’re a Paladin! You can’t just _quit_!”

It was the first time either one of them saw the princess in such a state of frenzy, her usual cool exterior now decorating to what could only be described as _fear_.

“Just-just find someone else to replace me. I’m sorry.” they sighed, their grasp on the bag over their shoulder tensing.

“Pidge you-you can’t just _leave_!”   
Keith didn’t realise when he found himself yelling, drawing the attention of a few Arusians in their vicinity. 

“You have a job to protect the whole damn _universe_ ” he continued, schooling his voice to a more quiet tone yet just as furious as before, “You can’t decide to call it quits whenever you please.”

“I never signed _up for this_!” they yelled back, face reddening “I never said I wanted this, any of this! All I wanted was to find my family, and that’s exactly what I’m going to do!”

“There won’t _be_ a family for you to save when the whole universe is fucking-“

A firm grip on his shoulder silenced him, only just realising how loud he had been.  
Shiro stood beside him, hand still on him, eyes calculating the situation.

“Keith, I understand your sentiment, but this isn’t how a team works. You can’t just force someone to stay. They have to _want_ to stay.”

Keith bristled but said nothing, settling to just glaring at Pidge.

“Pidge, if you want to leave-we won’t stop you” Shiro continued, “But please, really think about what you’re doing.”

That did make the shorter paladin halt, taking in a deep breath before shutting their eyes.

“I’m sorry. I already decided.”

Allura’s eyes widened comically, Hunk’s expression not faring much better.

“This team is falling apart.”

Keith felt a million things in the span of a minute. He wanted to grab Pidge, shake their shoulders until some sense went to their head, yell at Shiro for simply accepting this, hell, grab Hunk even and tell him to _do_ something, the boy looking like a confused deer.

Before anyone else could protest however, a large quake knocked them off of their feet, the Castle shaking with a profound ferocity, immediately followed by a large bursting sound, as if a bomb had just detonated.

No one had time to speak before they unanimously rushed to the source of the sound.

****

 

They must’ve been there for a good hour, Lance turning the 3D map around and pointing to galaxies, asking Coran to tell him more about them with a grin.

At some point they gave up on the map, letting it dematerialise back into the panel, settling instead on talking about things they miss from their respective planets, Lance wincing at the rain of rocks Coran mentioned, whilst Coran gasped when Lance talked to him about Australia.

They were heading away from the bridge, the redness in Lance’s eyes finally settling down enough to be deemed presentable to the other Paladins.

“You mean to say that is a habitable area of your planet?!” Coran squealed.

“Totally!” he grinned.

“But, what about the giant eight legged creatures? And the blood-sucking beasts?!”

“Alright, I might’ve exaggerated, they’re not _that_ big”, he laughed, faintly taking notice of a small buzzing sound ahead of them. 

“Oh, hey Rover!” he greeted, noticing the buzzing came from Pidge’s hovering companion, heading towards the opposite direction from them.

“So, they’re like, the size of a fist at best and-“ he faltered, now realising what he’d just seen.

Rover. Flying toward the crystal.

But-  
“Wait. Where’s Pidge?” 

He turned just in time to see the markings of Rover’s metal turning red, before it latched itself onto the crystal.

Fuck.  
 _Fuck._

“Coran, watch out!”

He felt a scorching pain hit his back, a weight to his head that made his temples burn with pain.

He heard a scream, uncertain if it came from him or not, before everything turned black.

****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~It's going dowwwwn~
> 
> Honestly, idk why writing this was so...hard. I'm kind of in that spot where I'm really really not confident about my writing, so it takes twice as much effort to really write anything. Sorry ^^''   
> Also sorry for being late to post (again), exam season has fully caught up to me & this writer's-block-thingy, and they're not a good combination, hahah :p Hopefully the 5K is an apology for the delay though!! 
> 
> BTW-I'm aware that there was quite a similar scene between Keith and Allura in the previous chapter, as with the Coran-Lance convo here. I think that seeing two similar thoughts from different perspectives isn't necessarily a bad thing, and plus-Coran deserves *so* much more attention and love! *chants Coran Coran the gorgeous man repetitively*
> 
> Also I hope the language thing wasn't too confusing? Please let me know if it was ^^'' i didn't want to just google translate things and add them in, especially when i know practically nothing of each language (well, minus a few Portuguese some friends taught me, lol). If however there's any native speakers that would like to help me out with adding the phrases in the respective languages, by all means send me a message! It'd be massively appreciated :)
> 
> This is becoming more of a rant than a note lol, sorry.  
> Anyway, hope you enjoy! Kudos/comments are always very very much appreciated and mean a bunch more than you might think they do :p
> 
> See you at the next chapter!
> 
> (Also if you'd like to contact me/squeal over our space gays/etc, hmu at my tumblr @dontmindme-imafangirl )

**Author's Note:**

> The poem at the beginning, though also stated below it, is Part I of 'The Grenade' by Shinji Moon, from 'The anatomy of being'. I was reading it just a while before posting this and felt it highly appropriate as a mood setter for this fic. The poem does not belong to me nor do I take any credit for it, and I definitely recommend you check out this poetry book, it's absolutely stunning <3
> 
> BTW-If this chapter feels a bit fast paced..it's because this was originally a one-shot. However I didn't want to change the momentum of the beginning, so i let it be as such. Please do let me know if it feels too fast <3
> 
> As per usual, I truly hope you liked this-new chapter coming very soon, I'll try and update at quick intervals (most of the fic is already written tbh, I'm just tweaking things as I go...so emotionally invested in this hah TuT) so hope you look forward to it <3
> 
> If you'd like to contact me/send a prompt/scream into the eternal void, my tumblr is dontmindme-imafangirl.tumblr.com :)
> 
> The song the series title came from is this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u7s3YJzq8XY
> 
> AND if you'd like more, here's the playlist I made & listen to while writing this: https://play.spotify.com/user/sophiee_babushka/playlist/18Y48nzCR0AI6vhruVoVKk
> 
> (if the link doesn't work pls let me know, i usually use the spotify app ;;)


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